Geraldine Blecker

 And it’s a Happy Easter to you all from the world’s biggest bunny!

 While the rest of us were getting all excited last month about dressing up as Leprechauns to do the honors on St.Paddy’s Day, it was PENIS DAY in Japan.

Every March 15, the festival of Honen Matsuri celebrates fertility and renewal in Komaki, (approx. 45 mins. north of Nagoya), by parading giant penile appendages through the streets. As you can see, it’s a real family affair.

 Who is the woman on the right? Fuck knows…

 Although the Western world (or at least the chocolate-eating part of it) innocently celebrates the holiday with fertile analogies: cute, fluffy bunnies, painted eggs and candy, it’s basically still the same naughty, pagan celebration of fecundity and glorification of the dick. It just happens to take place at the same time as the Resurrection. 

 But let’s not forget what Easter really means, as shown by a recent survey conducted by the University of Exeter involving 500 children aged 7-14 in a variety of schools. Fewer than one in ten believed that Jesus was, or is, God. A third found Him “a bit confusing” and more than a quarter thought him “hard to believe in.” Here’s a sample answer to one of the questions: What do Christians celebrate on Easter?

Although a monstrous amount of chocolate was sold in the US on Valentine’s Day (60 million lbs.) according to Nielsen, far more was actually sold during the week leading up to Easter (71 million lbs.) Recession notwithstanding, US consumers spent almost half a billion bucks on chocolate last year.

Stuff you maybe didn’t know about chocolate:

The Ivory Coast in West Africa is the world’s leading producer of cocoa, supplying 43%. According to International Labour Organisation figures,12.000 children have been trafficked from countries like Mali and Burkino Faso to the Ivory Coast to work as slave labor on the cocoa farms. (That should make you choke on your chocolate bunny!)

The largest chocolate sculpture ever made was a 10 ft. high Easter egg constructed in Melbourne, Australia. And the world’s first chocolate Easter egg was produced in 1873 by Fry’s.

But the chocolate manufacturers have been producing more than just pralines, bunnies and Easter eggs.They've come up with some very innovative creations for the up-scale market segment, like this dress made of chocolate, or even this chocolate Ferrari!

Eggs were traditionally used in pre-Christian festivals as the symbol of new life, purity or fertility. Later customs concerning eggs were linked with Easter, because the egg provided a fresh and powerful symbol of the Resurrection and the transformation of death into life, as can be seen from these very lively eggs below.

None of this is very helpful, of course, when it comes to our War on Flab. So here are three more desperate diets

Japanese Banana-Breakfast Diet: It’s the early worm that gets the banana these days in Tokyo. Such is the appeal of the new banana diet craze sweeping Japan that importers are hard put to meet the demand. In 2006, Hitoshi Watanabe’s girlfriend Sumiko, a pharmacist trained in Chinese herbal medicine, recommended a simple, stress-free diet that revolved around one simple (nutritionists say questionable) premise: a breakfast of raw bananas and room-temperature water can boost the metabolism to the extent where the dieter can eat almost anything for lunch and dinner and still lose weight. Over the next six months, Watanabe, who had grown huge after leaving university, lost another 13 kilos, married Sumiko, and posted his experiences on the net. The story became the first of a series of banana-diet books which have sold more than 600,000 copies - making Hitoshi a publishing sensation.

The banana's newfound popularity has been attributed to the simplicity of Hitoshi's weight-loss method. Dieters are advised to dine by 8 pm and be in bed by midnight. They should avoid, but not necessarily eliminate, alcohol and fatty foods. Best of all: there is no obligation to exercise. Although Hitoshi's approach has been endorsed by biomedical expert Dr Noboru Motohashi, who says he lost 12.6 kilograms on a similar fruit diet, other nutritionists are more skeptical. ”Eating only one kind of food in the long term is not healthy as it cannot provide the necessary nutrition.”

The Egg Diet is the rage Hollywood due to reports that certain celebrities have successfully lost weight by only eating eggs. Apparently Charles Saatchi lost over 60 pounds by eating 9 eggs a day for 10 months. It is also said that the Egg Diet enabled Adrian Brody to lose 30 pounds in 6 weeks preparing for his role in “The Pianist”. He has since stated that he actually followed a variation of the diet, where he ate eggs for breakfast, a small portion of grilled chicken for lunch, and a small piece of fish with steamed vegetables for dinner. There are several versions of the Egg Diet circulating on the Internet, whereby the most popular does not advise eating only eggs, although it does involve getting the majority of protein from eggs.

The Monkey Chow Diet: Adam Scott, pictured here on the left, is eating nothing but Monkey Chow - a high-fiber, nutritionally-complete food for chimps in pellet form. "Maybe I'll lose weight. Maybe I'll gain superhuman monkey powers. Maybe I'll go nuts. Maybe it's too late.” It could be the perfect answer for the diet-obsessed. No more worrying about the next meal. No cooking. No counting carbohydrates or calories. No worries about shelf-life or shopping. So, how’s it going so far? On Day 5, Adam reported trouble downstairs - with a diary entry of “Poop: Problematic.”.

There finally seems to be some hope on the horizon for those of us ladies who like the occasional tipple. New research suggests that women who regularly consume moderate amounts of alcohol are less likely to gain weight than non-drinkers, and are consequently at lower risk of obesity.

The findings, reported this week in the Archives of Internal Medicine, are based on a study of just over 19,000 US women aged 39 or older who, at the start of the study, fell into the “normal weight” category based on their body mass index.

Researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in Boston tracked their drinking habits over 13 years. About 60% of the women were light or regular drinkers, while the remaining 40% were teetotalers. Over the course of the study, 41% of the women became overweight or obese. Although alcohol is full of calories (about 150 in a 6 oz. glass of wine), the teetotalers actually gained more weight over time: an average of 9 pounds, compared to the average gain of about 3 pounds among the regular drinkers. The risk of becoming overweight was almost 30% lower for women who consumed one or two alcohol beverages a day.

This trend does not appear to apply to men, however, as you can see by the sad state of The Chippendales - 30 years after.

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A 2007 study of British men showed that regular drinkers gained more weight than non-drinkers. Studies suggest that drinking alcohol has different effects on the eating habits of men and women. Men typically add alcohol to their daily caloric intake, whereas women are more likely to substitute alcohol for food. In addition, there may be differences in how men and women metabolize alcohol. Metabolic studies show that after drinking alcohol, men experience little if any metabolic change. But alcohol appears to slightly speed up a woman’s metabolism.

Source material: TARA PARKER-POPE

And this month’s nominees are:

The 90-minute delay of a recent American Airlines flight to Washington, due to the discovery of some stowaways: a colony of cockroaches lurking around the curtain between the first class cabin and the  cockpit made Am Air a hot contender, for this month’s Airline Misery Award.

US Airways' recent flight 985 from Charlotte to Jamaica had to return to the gate, after a noxious pong infiltrated the cabin, resulting in the hospitalization of 2 passengers and 7 crew members. This is the fourth incident of a Boeing 767 (tail number 251) being grounded for similar reasons. As recently as January, 8 passengers and 7 crew members were treated for headaches and nausea caused by exposure to a foul stench, which was later identified as an engine oil leak. The same aircraft was also grounded on December 28th and 30th, 2009, for similar complaints. According to a news source, US Airways maintained that those incidents “were later traced back to a leak of the hydraulic fluid Skydrol in the engine.”

Concerns over the plane's history have been expressed by both the USAPA and the Association of Flight Attendants. The Federal Aviation Administration is looking into these incidents.

Source:http://news.travel.aol.com/2010/03/17/foul-odor-on-us-airways-causes-nine-to-fall-ill-again/

United Airlines has now managed to turn on the misery even before you board the aircraft. It begins as soon as you check in, especially if you do it at one of their electronic kiosks. 

United’s user-friendly software painstakingly guides passengers through the log-in and check-in procedure. Clicking on the prominently-placed, bright gold button at the bottom right of the screen - where you would normally find the "Proceed" or "OK" button - actually leads you to automatically accept some extra options, which are likely to cost you a pretty penny. To continue without these options requires you clicking on a separate “No thanks” button, which is almost impossible to find: in virtually unreadable print; located way off on an isolated corner of the page, where even angels fear to tread.

 So what do you have to do? Be aware. Stay focused. If you arrive at the airport late, hassled, confused, and frazzled, don’t check in at a kiosk. It is likely to cost you more than just your nerves.

The screens are specially designed to con the unwary into purchasing unnecessary add-ons. $49, for example, will buy you “Premier Line” access, which claims to whisk you through the security check points and get you onboard at the speed of light. But as TSA inspections are subject to individual airport security guidelines, there is no guarantee. Nor will it help you jump the standby list, or even gain you admittance to the business class lounge. $78 will get you frequent flyer miles, while a business-class upgrade can be had for a mere $396.68. All yours for a grand total of $523.68, if you press the wrong button. And if you’ve swiped your credit card, innocently assuming that you’re using it as ID for collecting your ticket, you may find that you’ve completed a different transaction entirely.

A teacher was arrested at JFK International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

”Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X and Y, and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”

As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.”

And, as well all know, without geometry, life is pointless.

Meanwhile in Britain, Muslim suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to 60 (25%) from 1 March,2010. The rationale for the cut was that the increase in recent years of successful suicide bombings has greatly increased the demand for devout virgins in the afterlife, so that one has reached the bare bones of available supply.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM.) responded with a statement that security of virgin supply for the afterlife was an essential part of the martyrs’ contract and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members literally work themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We detonate in good faith, but to downsize our virgin quota is an act of bad faith by management.”

Mr. Amir accepted that virgin supply appeared to be in long term decline, but pointed out that virgin cutbacks should be shared more equally between workforce and management. “Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 150,000 virgins,” complains Amir. “And you can be sure they were pretty ones. How can Al Qaeda justify so many virgins for management but not assure the 72 for each person who does the real work?”

Speaking from the shed in the West Midlands where he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with the BOOM workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They must accept the realities of modern-day Jihad, in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. We have to face up to the need for virgin cut-backs, because I cannot instruct 3,000 of my staff not to blow themselves up.” He defended management bonuses, claiming these were necessary to attract good, fanatical clerics. “How am I supposed to attract the best people if I can't compete with the private sector for virgin supplies?” asked Mr. Bin-Laden.

Talks broke down this morning after management’s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme offering alternative choice of orifice was rejected outright by upright members.. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I'll be buggered if I agree to anything like that.”

Unless some sort of agreement is brokered over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike, although the North London branch, which has a different union, will continue working with members using waist-down only explosives, in order to express solidarity with their striking brethren.

Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon and North Kent stated that this would not affect their operations as “There are no virgins in their areas anyway.”

But when it comes to explosive devices, I honestly can’t understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, anybody can make one. I found this Build Your Own Volcano kit for $7.50 n the children’s dept. of my local Barnes & Nobel bookstore. How different is a bomb from a volcano? How hard can it be?

 And here's the handy travel-size version!

Apart from the occasional bit of frightening news and some large dicks, this month’s focus, as you may have noticed, is basically on poop. So here's an appropriate new product!

It's a nifty, little do-it-yourself, squishy plastic poop-maker.  Advertised by its makers as "the perfect poop accessory" for your laptop or cell phone, I don't really know what one is supposed to do with it. If anyone can work it out, please let me know.

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This giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy was exhibited at the garden of a Swiss museum.

The art work, titled COMPLEX SHIT and which is the size of a house, blew away from the exhibition, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again.

The wind carried it 200 metres from the Paul Klee Centre in Berne before it fell back to Earth in the grounds of a children's home. I guess you could say that shit happens, especially complex shit.

This weird-looking little critter on the left is a Naked Mole-Rat and comes from North Africa.

So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: You could be unfortunate enough to look like a dick with buck teeth...

It's ta-ta from me for another month or so - at least until the next major holiday season.

 Meanwhile, keep sending me your gripes and grievances, so I can share them on: www.what-pisses-me-off.com.

(Many thanks to the usual suspects - especially John H. and June T, for lots of this month's funnies)

Geraldine LB  April, 5, 2010

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Here we are back in sunny California, and as much as I bitch about it, it’s certainly the place to be this winter, when everyone I know is up to their asses in snow. Getting here from Europe, however, was another story. Airport security had been tightened as we had been warned, and it took absolutely ages to get through the security points. If you look closely, you can see us among the crowd of discontented passengers getting ready to check-in here at Frankfurt’s Rhine-Main Airport last month.

If you thought taking your shoes off was a drag...

There are some hot contenders for this month’s Airline Misery Award, but it looks like American Airlines is all set to win. The airline has been accused of serious deficiencies in maintenance by two separate federal agencies. The penalty could be anything from $10 to $20 million, unless AA gets its act together. This all stems from faulty wiring in the McDonnell Douglas MD-80 aircraft which, in April 2008, forced AA to temporarily ground its entire MD-80 fleet, resulting in flight cancellations affecting more than 300,000 passengers. Equipment made by McDonnell Douglas (which merged with Boeing in 1997) is among the most antiquated still in use around the globe and has an accident rate of 14 per 1,000 aircraft.

According to an article that appeared in last May’s Journal of Business and Economics Research, researchers from Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, Daytona Beach, Fla., studied 476 accidents that occurred between 2000 and 2007, excluding those caused by weather or terrorism, and found that more accidents occurred in old planes (between 15 and 24 or more years old) operated by Latin America, the Middle East and Africa.

We’re getting all excited about the forthcoming HEMP CON, Southern California’s major Medical Marijuana event, taking place at the LA Convention Center this weekend (Feb 19-21). Thousands are expected from all over the country for 3 days of education, entertainment and, hopefully, lots of free samples.

But legal reform is the ultimate aim and although the benefits of medical marijuana (or any other kind, for that matter), have become almost impossible for its vociferous opponents to deny, the issue is fraught with legal conflict.

California was the first state to legalize marijuana for medical use in 1996, yet although current legislation has ruled it legal to cultivate by card-carrying patients and caregivers, it is illegal to possess and likewise illegal to purchase or sell, with the paradoxical proviso that It be sold on a non-profit basis and is subject to sales tax.

Here’s a brief overview of what punishment law breakers can expect:

Possession of 28.5 grams or less of marijuana is not an arrestable offense, as long as offenders can provide sufficient identification and promise to appear in court. If convicted, offenders are subject to a fine of $100. Possession of any amount greater than 28.5 grams is punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a fine of up to $500. Possession of up  to 28.5 grams in a school zone gets you up to 10 days in jail and a $500 fine, while possession of a greater amount is worth up to 6 months jail and a $500 fine.

The cultivation or processing of any amount of marijuana is punishable by up to 16 months in state prison. This does not apply to patients or their primary caregivers who possess or cultivate marijuana for that patient’s personal medical use, upon the recommendation or approval of a physician.

Selling marijuana in any amount is punishable by 2-4 years in the state prison; while selling to a minor gets 3-5 years. 

Giving away less than 28.5 grams is a misdemeanor and punishable with a $100 fine.

Possession of dope paraphernalia is a civil fine of $200-$300 for the first offense, going up to $5,000-$6,000 for a fifth or subsequent violation within a 5-year period.

For more information see: Hemp Con

I know it's belated but I like to send everyone special good wishes for all major holidays, and it doesn’t get more major here in the US than Valentine’s Day, followed by President’s Day - unless it’s National Mattress Awareness Day, Groundhog Day, or Eat More Peanut Butter Day. So I hope yours was especially romantic and you spent plenty of money to help boost the economy.

Valentine’s Day is always big business. Last year, E-commerce retailers alone raked in approx. $650 million worth of sales of food, candy, flowers, and other gifts. Of that amount about $350 million went on gifts and flowers (110 million roses, mostly red), with another $45 million on food and wine. This does not include the $1.8 billion that US consumers spent on chocolate - and all this during a recession.

As for sporting events, the Super Bowl generated nationwide excitement and had everyone glued to the tube earlier this month.

As I know as much about football as I do about, say, quantum physics, I’m with Maxine on this one. But it’s a pretty big deal and many chose to celebrate in the traditional manner  -  by stuffing themselves with high-calorie, gooey cakes, specially baked for the occasion. Like these two we spotted on sale at our local supermarket.

So what with all the Valentine's Day chocolate and the super bowl cakes, plus the extra weight we put on over Xmas - added to the fact that according to recent studies, 39.8 million people, representing 60% of all American adults from the age of 20 upwards, are already obese - the WAR ON FLAB continues!

The COTTON BALL DIET is especially popular in Alabama and is just what its name implies. You eat cotton balls, either dry or soaked in gelatin. The idea is that cotton balls contain few calories but are very filling, so you won’t have much room for anything else. They are also high in fiber, which would be good if it was the kind of fiber  you needed. Possible Side Effects: Exceedingly tedious, dry and disgusting. Contains no vitamins or nutrients of any kind. Leads to constipation and violent vomiting. 

The CABBAGE SOUP DIET also called the “Russ­ian peas­ant diet,” the “Sacred Heart diet,” and the “TJ mir­a­cle soup diet,” con­sists of eat­ing nothing but cab­bage soup for a week. Claimed to generate a 10 pound weight loss, which is refuted by most experts. As most weight lost on this diet consists of water, the loss is temporary. Possible Side Effects: High sodium con­tent and extremely low pro­tein lead to feel­ings of weak­ness, and horrendous flatulence. (The FARTO speciailty drug store can provide relief for the latter).

The CAVEMAN DIET also known as the Paleolithic Diet, revolves around mimicking the diet of Stone Age man, (who had an average life span of 15 years). The only food allowed is what can be hunted and gathered, and consists of leaves, berries, roots, nuts and bushes. Lean meat and fish can be eaten, as long as you hunt and kill it all yourself, which is guaranteed to give you plenty of exercise. Grains, dairy products, salt, refined sugar, and oils are strictly off-limits. Possible Side Effects: Serious injuries can be sustained when running away from dangerous animals or eating the  wrong bush.

The TAPEWORM DIET is almost too revolting to contemplate and involves ingesting tapeworm-infested raw or rotting  meat (preferably beef) and then letting the parasite do its thing for up to 10 weeks. Then taking antibiotics to get rid of the things. Possible Side Effects: The little buggers won't go away. 

And if none of these diets appeal to you, then I suggest  my old time-tested, weight-loss favorites POOP-IT-OUT and CHUK-IT-UP, which work best taken after a liberal dose of hot sauce. I can  specially recommend the ones featured below.

Or better still - to find out lots of dietary stuff you never knew, or already did but were trying to suppress, read THE DIET JOKE - A REPROGRAMMING GUIDE FOR PERPETUAL CONSUMERS  by Lisa Padace, published by Big Shot Press, San Diego, or order directly online from www.thedietjoke.com

And finally, if we are what we eat, then that explains this: 

Dr. Chang is back by popular request to answer readers’ questions about pregnancy and family planning

Should I have a baby after 35? 
Dr. Chang: No, 35 kids are enough. 

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? 
Dr. Chang: With any luck, right after he finishes college. 

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? 
Dr. Chang: Childbirth

My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. 
Dr. Chang: So what's your question?

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right? 
Mrs. Chang: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current. 

When is the best time to get an epidural?   
Dr. Chang: Right after you find out you're pregnant.     

Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour? 
Dr. Chang: Not unless the phrase “child support payment” means anything to you. 

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? 
Dr. Chang: Yes, pregnancy.

Do I have to have a baby shower? 
Dr. Chang: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly 

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? 
Dr. Chang: When the kid moves out.

The next big deal before the Easter onslaught is St. Patrick’s Day on March 17, when everybody out here suddenly discovers they’re Irish.

Stores are getting excited about all the revenue it’s going to generate and have already swapped the defunct V-Day displays with emerald green.

 But this is nothing compared to what goes on in the Old Country.

Last year, for example, more than three hundred Leprechauns gathered in Louth after the St Patrick's Day parade where the organization known as MACRA NA FERIME won the Guinness World Record for the most people in one place dressed as leprechauns. 

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car especially for women.

They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the CLITAURUS:

It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if he is told where it is.

A solution for those who have been denied health care and a pension.

Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets. 

You are allowed to shoot any 2 politicians and 2 senior government officials of your choice. 

This ensures that you will be sent to prison, where you will receive 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, TV, and free health care, which covers new teeth, glasses, organs (kidneys, lungs, liver, heart), as well as replacement hip and knee joints.

All courtesy of the government that just declared you too old for health care. 

In addition, as a prisoner, you are released from paying income tax.

No one says it better than Maxine!

It's farewell from me for another month or so. Till then, you must have plenty to whine about. After all, that's what we all do best.

Share it with the rest of us on www.what-pisses-me-off.com

(Many thanks to readers John Hawkins, June Taylor,Jayney Klimek, Barbara Joel, Rosemarie Couture and Steve Fleischer for some of this month's funnies - keep it up, guys!)

Geraldine LB  February 19, 2010

And it’s a Happy New Year to you all from me and M.S.O. (My Significant Other) in our new home, where we have spent the holiday season unpacking boxes, shifting furniture - and obviously pooping snow cones - although we did spot some rather innovative, albeit economical, Xmas decorations around town this year:

:

But at least we didn’t have to fly anywhere….

China’s Shandong Airlines gets some special misery points this month for getting their passengers to actually get out of the aircraft, roll their socks up and help push the crate during a recent mechanical failure. These are just the first class passengers, mind. Coach class is tugging away beneath the surface. I’d like to see Lufthansa try and get away with this! 

However, this month’s Airline Misery Award, has to go to Northwest Airlines (or its new owner Delta), after the botched Xmas day suicide attack on NWA flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, with 290 on board. The incident occurred around noon, when 23-year old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a Nigerian national with suspected al-Qaida affiliations, tried to blow up the plane with a chemical incendiary device he had smuggled on board. Fortunately, he was quickly subdued by passengers and crew, who managed to extinguish the flames in time. Officials are investigating just how he had managed to get explosives on board in the first place, despite heightened global security controls since 9/11.

Wise, as always, after the event, it was reported that US authorities had known of the bomber’s terrorist connections for over a month, after his own father, concerned about his son’s extremist behavior, had alerted them in November. Nevertheless, Abdulmutallab, a former engineering student at University College, London, was allowed to board the Detroit-bound Northwest flight from Amsterdam with an explosive device strapped to his body. Alarm bells should have sounded a week earlier, when he bought a ticket in cash (for $2,831) at the KLM office in Accra, Ghana, to fly from Lagos to Detroit via Schiphol; and should have rung even more loudly when he checked in without any luggage. Buying a ticket in a third country, paying cash, and traveling without any baggage should have alerted somebody.

But the failed attack has nonetheless resulted in worldwide airport misery, as further, more stringent security measures are implemented: bomb-sniffing dogs, extensive frisking, and horrendously long lines and delays. Passengers have reported that they now have to remove everything from their handbags and pockets (including Kleenex), and have been barred from using any electronic devices, or even getting out of their seats to visit the toilet during the last hour of flight.

The US and British governments are seriously toying with the idea of installing pre-boarding, “naked” body scanners, which should make air travel even more delightful. The scanners, while allowing security personnel to spot any weapons or explosives hidden beneath clothing, also reveal breast implants, false limbs, piercings, and clear outlines of genitalia. Which should at least help them to stay awake, I suppose.

But despite ignoring warnings given well in advance, there must be some simpler ways of spotting a terrorist at the airport, surely?

These recent events have impelled the British to raise their security level from MIFFED to PEEVED. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even A BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME to a BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government also announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and COLLABORATE. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed the country's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing its military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from SHOUT LOUDLY & EXCITEDLY to ELABORATE MILITARY POSTURING. Two more levels remain: INEFFECTIVE COMBAT OPERATIONS and CHANGE SIDES. The Germans also increased their alert state from DISDAINFUL ARROGANCE to DRESS IN UNIFORM AND SING MARCHING SONGS. Their only higher levels are: INVADE A NEIGHBOR and LOSE.

What with the Golden Globes, Sundance, the BAFTAs and the Academy Awards ceremonies on the horizon, it is definitely Awards Season. Here are some other, lesser known awards events that you definitely won’t be seeing on TV.

 THE SMELLY SNEAKER AWARD

The Smelly Sneaker Contest began in 1975 to boost  shoe sales at a local sporting goods store and blossomed into a national event in 1988, when Odor-Eaters assumed sponsorship. Since then, it has fermented into the ultimate test of the degree of offensiveness that can be generated by a kid's sneakers. Footwear is judged on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and, most importantly, odor, by a panel.

Fifteen-year-old Ben Russell, from Alaska, and his decrepit and malodorous size 7 Nike's won the 33rd annual National Odor-Eaters Rotten Sneaker Contest, in Montpelier, VT. He beat seven other contestants, from Michigan, Utah, Georgia, California, New Jersey, Vermont and New Mexico, to take home the grand prize of $2,500. He might even use some of it to buy a new pair of sneakers.

THE STELLA AWARDS

The Stella Awards are granted to people who file outrageous and frivolous lawsuits, named after Stella Liebeck who spilled a cup of McDonalds coffee onto her lap in 1992, causing third degree burns. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9 million in damages, which was subsequently reduced by the court to $640,000, though she later settled with McDonalds for an undisclosed amount.

The last winner of the True Stella Award was Roy L. Pearson Jr., a 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from Washington DC, who claimed that a dry cleaner lost a pair of his trousers, so he sued the small, family business for more than $65 million. Representing himself, Judge Pearson bemoaned the loss of his pants in the courtroom, but failed to move the Superior Court judge, who called the case “vexatious litigation,” berated Pearson for his conduct, and awarded damages to the dry cleaners. Pearson, however, filed an appeal: The case is still pending.

 THE DARWIN AWARDS 

Named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, the Darwin Award is an honor, posthumously granted, to those who “do a service to humanity by accidentally removing themselves from the gene pool” - in a sublimely idiotic fashion.

Some examples of Darwin award winners include: Jumping out of a plane to film skydivers without wearing a parachute (US,1987); Trying to get enough light to look down the barrel of a loaded muzzleloader gun using a cigarette lighter (US, 1996); Attempting to play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol that automatically loads the next round into the chamber, etc..

The most recent winner was “The Enema Within”, where a man died of alcohol poisoning after inserting two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry into his rectum.

Weight is certainly a problem just after the Christmas holidays, when we’ve been stuffing ourselves senseless.So with your needs in mind, I’ve been looking into some brand new diets that are taking Beverly Hills by storm. Here’s are the top two.

 THE HOLLYWOOD COOKIE DIET 

Designed by Dr. Sanford Siegal, the Hollywood Cookie Diet is based on a carefully crafted recipe which suppresses hunger. You eat only one meal a day, supper, which should consist of 6 ounces of chicken, turkey or seafood.

So, what about the cookies? Not intended to replace a meal, you nibble on those whenever you get peckish and need to eat at least six a day (washing them down with at least eight glasses of water) for the diet to be effective. The one meal and six cookies amount to 800 calories, which is the point of the whole exercise.

  THE LIP GLOSS DIET 

 “Always on the lips. Never on the hips,” is the slogan advertising Fuze Slenderize Lip Gloss, which claims to contain active ingredients that curb the appetite, speed the metabolism, and boost energy levels. This is down to the wondrous new plant extract SuperCitrimax, which supposedly keeps hunger pangs at bay and stops the body converting carbohydrates into fat.

On the other hand, some bloke in the UK lost 140 lb by only eating baked beans!

 In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria  found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.

However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.

With this fact in mind, here are our final two Yoga vs.drinking positions:

 Ananda Balasana: This position is ideal for improving suppleness of the ankles and back muscles.

Malasana or the Pigeon: Tones the body, builds flexibility and helps minimize stress.

WARNING! People who perform the above exercise regularly have a tendency to poop on cars!

Then again, let's not forget that banging your head against a wall uses up 150 calories an hour!

So It's ta-ta from me for another year.

2009 has been a lousy year for everybody, so don't tell me you've got nothing to bitch about.

Share it with the rest of us on www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  December 30, 2009

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This is my favorite holiday of the year - when we can give free reign to our fantasies, dress up like zombies, spooks and vampires, and merrily go trick-or-treating.

Or just wander around scaring the shit out of everybody.

There are some amazing parties going on all over the place, or you can just stay home and watch horror movies, carving weird stuff into pumpkins.

Or maybe even bake a creepy cake for the kids:

             As for me, I'm dusting off the old broomstick and making it flight-worthy.

Let’s face it, it’s probably a safer and more efficient form of transport than, say, flying with a US airline…

Two US airlines are hot contenders for this month’s Airline Misery Award.

On Monday, October 19, 2009, at 6:05 a.m. Delta Air Lines flight 60 from Rio de Janeiro to Atlanta landed on taxiway M at Atlanta Hartsfield Airport after being cleared to land on runway 27R. No injuries to any of the 182 passengers or 11 crew members were reported. According to reports, an airman in the cockpit apparently got sick and had to be relocated to the passenger cabin, which doesn’t really explain the false landing. “The pilot and co-pilot were relieved of active flying pending the completion of the investigations", said a Delta spokesman.

But even better than missing the runway was Northwest Airlines flight 188 from San Diego to Minneapolis, which managed to entirely miss the airport by 150 miles on Wednesday, October 21, 2009, finally touching down at its destination over an hour late. Explanation?

"The crew stated they were in a heated discussion over airline policy and lost situational awareness."

 I may have given you all the impression over the last few months that it is only the Brits who go in for weird and wacky extreme sporting events. But this demented masculine behavior is by no means restricted to the rainy island - or to Halloween, either.

Some strenuous stuff took place on the European mainland this summer, where men proved they were men. 

 The World Sauna Championship takes place every August in Heinola, Finland. Started in 1999, contestants from over 20 countries now take part and have to sign a form agreeing not to take legal action. Competitors must sit it out in a 110° F sauna where a half liter of water is added every 30 seconds. They must sit erect with thighs and buttocks firmly on the seat. They must maintain in an upright position, and are not allowed to touch any surface with hands and forearms, which must remain on their knees. The one who sits it out the longest is the winner. Current record holder is Bjarne Hermansson, who held out for 18.15 minutes last year.

 Finland is also the scene of the annual SWAMP SOCCER CHAMPIONSHIP! For those who find regular soccer too tame and not messy enough, knee-deep mud suddenly makes it a whole new ball-game... (photo courtesy of Camera Crew Germany)

Meanwhile played all over Europe, this year’s UNDERWATER RUGBY CHAMPIONSHIP took place in Germany, where it originated in diving clubs. Played by 2 teams of 11 players in a swimming pool about 4m deep, the goal is to get the ball (filled with saltwater) into the opponent’s heavy metal bucket at the bottom of the pool.

Exercise is good for the body and good for the soul - especially when you can replace it with drinking. Having given up jogging when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire, these exercises have proved to be the perfect alternative. Here are another 3 beneficial Yoga positions that you can perform in, or outside, your favorite watering hole.

Marjayasana: Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.

Halasana: Excellent for back pain and insomnia

  Sal ambhasana: Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.

According to The Wall Street Journal, Compaq is considering changing the command PRESS ANY KEY to PRESS RETURN KEY because of the flood of calls asking where the ANY KEY is. It should, of course, be located right next to the FUCK IT key.

A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by soaking it for a day in hot, soapy water, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer apparently "couldn't find printer", despite having turned the computer screen to face the printer.

Sometime later this year, US taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A format:

Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China?
A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1 Spending it at yard sales, or
2 Going to ball games, or
3 Spending it on prostitutes, or
4 Beer or
5 Tattoos.

These are the only American businesses still operating in the US.

So, I suggest you go to a ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale.(Many thanks to June Taylor for passing this on).

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

(Mark Twain)

And if life seems bleak, just remember: In only two days, tomorrow will be yesterday!

Meanwhile,  check out the following link to our new GOSSIP podcast for some live bitching from me and my best buddy Linda Rocco. Complete with embarrassing snapshots spanning the decades and some truly tasteless musical accompaniment by my significant other (Howard Scarr, who prefers to remain anonymous) - who also spliced it together:

Gossip: Slaves to Fashion

Don't tell me you've got nothing to moan about.

Come on, share it with the rest of us on www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  October 28, 2009

 Well, we had a great time in the UK visiting friends and family. And, surprisingly enough, the weather didn’t turn out to be too nasty either. Good for all those competing in some more of the weird and wonderful outdoor events I managed to catch while I was over there. In fact, I even took part in one of them…

 Here I am, having a ball at the UK MOBILE PHONE THROWING CHAMPIONSHIP.. Begun in 2004, this year’s event was held at the Battersea Park Athletics Track. Anyone can enter and the rules are simple: just hurl the wretched thing as far as you can. They’ll even give you a phone to throw, if you don’t have one of your own that pisses you off sufficiently. (For more on this event, see www.8thdayuk.com).

And it was much cleaner and more comfortable than trying to beat the world record in BOG SNORKELLING!

 This takes place every August 27 in the Welsh town of Llanwrtyd Wells (say that with a mouth full). Competitors must snorkel through reeking swamps and oozing mud for two lengths of a 60-yard trench that has been cut through a peat bog. Competitors may wear snorkels and flippers (wet suits are optional), but conventional swimming strokes are not allowed.

As they did recently for George Farthing, an expatriate Brit living in America, who was diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realized he wasn't depressed at all - only British.

Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams. "The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.

"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac, St John's Wort," said Mr Farthing. "They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I'd become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place."

Psychotherapist Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team that never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".

"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."

Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled US medics. "That's funny in Britain and is not seen as
pathological at all."

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly colored leaflets and an "I love New York" T-shirt.

And here he is again by popular demand to answer readers' questions: It’s everybody’s favorite Oriental physician, Dr. Chang. His medical advice has become so popular it’s hard to keep up with his fan mail.

Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

Dr. Chang: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

Dr. Chang: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. 

 Is chocolate bad for me? 

 Dr. Chang: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

 Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? 

 Dr. Chang: Hey! “Round” is a shape!

Bet you didn't know that a 20-minute nap can improve your overall alertness, boost your mood, increase your productivity and make your employer happy!

William Anthony, co-author of The Art of Napping at Work - this is no joke, this guy actually bothered to write a book about the topic and even got it published, (Larson Publications, 1999). His co-author seems to have had the good sense to remain anonymous!

Anyway, according to Mr. Anthony, the post-nap boost can last for several hours. In addition, your heart apparently reaps benefits.

In a six-year study of Greek adults, researchers found that men who took naps at least three times a week had a 37% lower risk of coronary-related death.

I don't suppose this had anything to do with the fact that those same Greek men didn't pig out on fatty foods washed down with plenty of beer like many of their US counterparts.

Then, don't forget, 43,7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

78% of those same researchers confirmed in a ten minute study that drinking alcohol actually gives you the same benefits as doing yoga! And here is the proof!!

SAVASANA: Position of total relaxation

 BALASANA: Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.

 

Once again It’s back to Japan for some of the weirdest and twisted new products on the market. With the welfare of our little ones in mind, this month we’re introducing some educational dolls.

In the 18th and 19th centuries, sideshow carnivals known as "misemono" were a popular form of entertainment for the sophisticated residents of Edo (present-day Tokyo).

The sideshows featured a plethora of educational and entertaining attractions designed to evoke a sense of wonder and satisfy a deep curiosity for the mysteries of life. One popular attraction was the PREGNANT DOLL.

Although it is commonly believed that these dolls were created primarily to teach midwives how to deliver babies, evidence suggests they were also used for “entertainment”.

One of the most demented playthings ever devised must be this super hairy SHAVE THE BABY doll, pictured here on the right.

Created with added bushy tufts of bright ginger hair protruding from her ankles, armpits, and most disturbingly, her pubic region, kids are supposed to enjoy shaving it off.

In comparison, the new ORIGAMI TOILET PAPER (below) is pretty tame and will provide hours of fun and edu-tertainment for the whole family.

Forgotten that Sports Illustrated or serious newspaper? Don’t despair! With Origami TP you can spend hours on the pot, learning new paper-folding techniques

This says it all.

I would leave you this month with the following words of wisdom:

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Likewise, when everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.

You must have plenty of gripes. Let's hear 'em. Whining welcome anytime on: www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  October 3, 2009

Celebrating the ancient rivalry between Lancashire and Yorkshire, the Black Pudding (also known as “blood pudding”) Hurling Contest - held at the Royal Oak pub in Ramsbottom, Lancs. - attracts spectators from all over the world. The aim is to heave a Black Pudding, 'swaddled' in a pair of ladies tights, at a wall full of Yorkshire puddings. The winner has to eat everything.

The Extreme Ironing World Championship began in Leicester in 1997 and has been getting progressively more dangerous ever since. The official Extreme Ironing Bureau, (no joke!) describes the sport as: "An outdoor activity that combines the danger and excitement of an extreme sport with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt.”  For those wanting to take part, just grab your ironing board and a bag of laundry and take them to some weird location: a ski slope, flash flood, the eye of a hurricane, a tidal wave; or on holiday when you go wind surfing, canoeing, bungee jumping, etc. There’s even a calendar published by Avalanche Publishing.

More than a century old, the dangerous sporting event of Cheese Rolling takes place every year on Cooper’s Hill, Gloucester. An 8-10 lb. wheel of cheese is rolled down the very steep hill and contestants go tearing after it. However, as the cheese can reach speeds of up to 70 mph, it is rarely caught and there are always lots of injuries. First to the bottom wins the cheese. Attempts to ban the event have failed.

 Gold medal winner Caster Semenya is furious at having to take a gender test.

She said, "After my success on the track, this comes as a right kick in the bollocks!"

And here’s more from Dr. Chang, to clear up some of those misconceptions we may have about health, diet and exercise.

How can I calculate my body-fat ratio?

Dr. Chang: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

Dr. Chang: Can't think of a single one, sorry.

Are fried foods bad for you?

Dr. Chang: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're drenched in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Is swimming good for your figure?

Dr. Chang: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Can’t afford new swim-wear? Here’s a fresh way to turn around that old bathing suit, a real attention-grabber at the beach.

For those of us “on the go”, Dr. Chang recommends some nourishing, fast-food delicacies from his homeland. Guaranteed to keep you slim. Just pop the lid and tuck in!

Canned Silk Worm Pupae. Delicious on toast. Or Roasted Crickets - with eggs.

The average person expels flatulence 14 times a day!

This means I know a lot of above-average people

Why relax when you could be sweeping the floor? Here’s a new product that’s sweeping the nation - and lets you do both at the same time!

The brand new CLEANING SLIPPERS from Slipper Genie. A big hit with busy, US housewives, the slippers have just hit the German market.

And this GIANT REMOTE CONTROL below is really super. No more squinting at those tiny little buttons. You can set this thing on the coffee table and change channels with your elbow, or any appendage of your choice.

And you can use both products at once - like me!

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)

You are the logical type and hate disorder.

Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers.

You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while shagging.

Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

I would leave you this month with some words of wisdom from my friend Jayney Klimek:

Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat it or hump it - just piss on it and walk away!

There must be plenty of stuff cheesing you off. So let's hear it. All whining is welcome  on: www.what-pisses-me-off.com

Geraldine LB  August 29, 2009

This is what one of our more creative local grafitti artists has to say about it all..

 These are the feet that are the reason for my discontent. One of them is still pointy and triangular. And it’s going to stay that way.The other little blighter has had me hobbling around on crutches for the last six weeks.

!

 And it’s footwear like this that is the cause of my sorrow!! Ladies, be warned! 

But while we’re sort of on the subject of medical care, hospitals and health in general, here is some news from the American Medical Association and its members’ comments on President Obama’s proposed health care reforms:

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The Pathologists yelled, “Over our dead bodies!” while the Pediatricians thought everybody should just grow up.

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons wanted to put a whole new face on the matter.

The Podiatrists considered it a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anaesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

So, what with one thing and another, I’m inclined to put my faith in Chinese Medicine. And here is Dr. Chang, available to answer questions for all my readers.    

Is is true that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life?

Dr. Chang: Your heart is only good for so many beats - and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend  the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?

Dr. Chang: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.

Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after so many conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits. 

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.

Speaking English is obviously what kills you.

My pal Justin Lucas had a nightmare trip to report flying ALITALIA from Berlin to Mumbai with a stopover in Milan - where the plane sat for 6 hours on the runway due to a technical glitch. All the passengers were finally hauled off the aircraft and forced to wait another 11 hours in the airport before continuing the outbound journey on another plane.

The return flight was apparently no better. The aircraft sat on the Mumbai runway, making 6 false starts (each time blowing a fuse for the auxiliary power) before it finally took off and landed in Berlin with no further mishap.

Our old favorite, UNITED AIRLINES has this pretty solid reputation for trashing baggage, especially when marked “fragile”.

Check out this link for singer/songwriter Dave Carroll’s sad (and very funny) tale of his busted Taylor guitar.  United breaks guitars

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)

You think yourself a natural born leader, but you’re actually just an arrogant shit.

Everyone thinks you’re a conceited asshole and a bully.

You talk too much and are allergic to criticism.

And here's another depressing thought:

Some days you're the bug and others the windshield.

But enough bitching from me for another month.

Let's hear what cheeses you off.

Remember - all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com

 Geraldine LB  August 1, 2009

(Many thanks to John Hawkins , June Taylor, Jayney Klimek for lots of this month's funnies!)

 And it’s a Happy Independence Day to you all. Especially to my American readers!

As for us Brits, we traditionally celebrate 4^th July by flushing a teabag down the toilet.

And here we are doing that very thing.

And while we're on the subject, suicide is never easy.

But the brand new Office Assistant from Microsoft’s Office 2009 will help you draft that suicide note you’ve been grappling with.

I was taken to task by reader Kai Mickley for my geographic inaccuracies about the annual Eurovision Song Contest. Azerbaijan as a Caucasus Republic, for example, is indeed part of Europe. Apparently all countries that are members of the EBU (European Broadcasting Union, with their own broadcasting network) are eligible to take part. This includes Turkey, Israel and all of North Africa and even The Vatican, if it chose to be so tasteless. Morocco used to be a regular contestant back in the 70s and obviously as the first nation to realize the sheer degrading uselessness of it all, ceased taking part, while Lebanon withdrew at short notice last year due to the Israeli conflict. Apparently the only country officially excluded is Lichtenstein, as it is without its own radio station.

Slobogostan and Lower Zscernwcysk had to withdraw at the last minute this year due to the outbreak of war: Lower Zscernwcysk wanting to reunite with Upper and Southwest Zscernwcysk, which Slobogostan could not allow. This has resulted in a serious drop in the Slotnik, which is now trading at 185 million to the Euro. But what does all this really mean in American terms?

 (And many thanks to Martha Duff for pointing this out)

Hot on the heels of voting for Germany’s next Top Model, Pop Idol, Best Survivor, Worst Driver, Lousiest Mechanic, Fattest Viewer, Best Inventor, together with reality shows focusing on Wife Swapping, Home Redecorating, gay guys dressing straight dudes, and various coaches and counsellors tormenting juvenile delinquents live on TV, among a plethora of others equally mindless if not downright sadistic, Germany’s TV networks have just launched some choice new product. Here are the “top” three exciting new programs:

Germany’s VOX network deserves some special brownie points for the sheer extraneousness of its latest casting show TOP CUT - in search of the next superstar hairdresser.

This is not a joke. 15 Crimpers compete before a jury of their utterly obscure and cretinous peers  from the hairdressing world, as pictured here on the right.

Nor is RTL - who has a lot to answer for after inflicting BIG BROTHER on Europe - dragging its feet in the casting show frenzy. The network’s latest offering, “Mission Hollywood” offers 12 young actresses the chance to compete for a role in one of the upcoming sequels in the “Twilight” film franchise. Contestants “have to go through the motions of the real job” of an actress, such as doing stunts, re-enacting movie scenes from such films as “Dirty Dancing” and “9 1/2 Weeks” and, needless to say, taking their clothes off.

The show’s host Til Schweiger (one of Germany’s "biggest” stars) and acting coach Bernhard Hiller serve as permanent judges, joined every week by a third and equally obscure juror. Famous guests include lots more people you’ve never heard of.

But public broadcaster ZDF, after choosing pop idols and top models, is not to be outdone and its latest show  "Ich kann Kanzler" ("I can be Chancellor") hosted by Steffen Seibert, takes the cake,  actually offering winners the chance to run the country.

Viewers can watch the cheap and cheesy videos submitted by six finalists, who outline their political agendas. Current favourite is 18-year old Delano Osterbrauck of Munich - who bears a startling resemblance to Barack Obama - and spouts meaningful slogans like "Harness the strengths of all our citizens."

40 out of the 2,500 contestants were selected to come to Bonn, where each one made a brief speech in the old Bundestag (German Parliament) before a panel of 3 judges composed of a politician, a TV talk show host, and a comedienne: All superbly qualified, I’m sure you will agree, to choose the next government leader in the country’s forthcoming elections on September 27. 

But neither Germany nor ZDF can claim the dubious honor of creating this program. Patterned after CBC’s "Canada's Next Great Prime Minister,” it evolved from an essay contest, has been airing for three years and turned out to be a surprise hit. So this is something we can definitely blame on Canada, who have been selling the concept around the world. Germany's version is to be followed by Australia and Britain. Will the crap never end?

As the TV networks obviously seem to be scraping the barrel here, I thought of a few new concepts for tasteless shows that would provide terrific entertainment.

Germany’s Best Undertaker - with spin-offs like: Best Funeral Makeup, Europe’s Top Porno Star, Super Slut, and Paedophile of the Month.

.(June 23 - July 22)

You are kind, caring and compassionate, so people walk all over you.

You get lots of emails asking you for money.

Although relatively ambitious, everything you touch turns to shit.

You are a sexual pervert and in constant danger of getting arrested.

 And once again, it’s the latest from Japan!

In case you were wondering, these posteriors are actually screen-printed onto the skirts!

But why pay extra, when you can let your own ass hang out?

There’s not much amusement value I can contribute about the airlines this month and can only suggest that we travellers do our best to avoid the Airbus. 

Two of them have gone down in less than four weeks, the most recent being the Yemenia Yemen Airways Airbus A310 (Flight Y626) en route from Sana’a in Yemen to the Comoros Islands, which crashed in the Indian Ocean on June 30, with only one survivor out of the 142 passengers and 11 crew onboard. Although bad weather is believed to have been the main cause of the crash, serious concerns about this particular aircraft were raised by French transport authorities following safety checks in 2007. But, as always, it takes a true disaster to get anybody’s attention. The A310 went into service 19 years ago and had accumulated 51,900 flight hours. Basically, it should not still have been in the air.

Turbulence is also purported to be one of the major causes of the June 1 crash of Air France Flight 447 - an Airbus A330 - in the Atlantic, en route from Rio to Paris, resulting in the loss of 228 lives; although no one will probably know for sure as the black boxes are unlikely ever to be found.

French investigators have said, however, that the airspeed sensors had been feeding inconsistent readings to the cockpit. Conflicting airspeed data can cause the autopilot to shut down and in extreme cases, the plane to stall or fly dangerously fast, possibly causing a high-altitude break-up. But this is still conjecture. Airbus and Air France have said that there is no firm evidence linking the speed monitors and the crash. Air France has upgraded all sensors on its long-haul fleet as a precautionary measure after protests from pilots.

“There’s really no link between these two accidents,” said an Airbus spokesman. As well he might.

But enough from me for another month. As the global employment market seems to be going down the toilet, I thought this cartoon was appropriate.

No matter how tacky your job - be glad you've still got one!

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got plenty to bitch about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB   July 3, 2009

(Many thanks this month to Jayney Klimek for providing the Japanese innovations!)

 As you can see from these shots of the city centre, downtown Frankfurt is coming along nicely and at the present rate of construction, should be ready to welcome shoppers sometime within the next decade.

 If you look closely at the 2^nd photo, you will see a rare sight: a solitary worker (with an orange vest) on the far left.

But all in all, Frankfurt has a realistic attitude towards the current economic crisis.

But for those of us who still have some cash to invest and are determined to see the present financial meltdown as an unexpected opportunity, here are some useful definitions for the amateur investor:

Broker: Poorer than you were last year.

Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.

Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail. 

Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.

Institutional Investor: Day trader who's locked up in a nut house.
Liquidity - Liquid, i.e. alcohol, plus stupidity. The necessary qualifications for investing in Internet stocks.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants when the market crashes.

Standard & Poor: Your life in a nut shell.
Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Straddle - What you do to celebrate after launching your own IPO (involves two French girls and a lot of champagne)

This month's airline misery award - at least for XXL passengers - is an outright win for United Airlines, who is cracking down on the overweight.

According to the airline, passengers who are too large to fit into a single seat, buckle the seatbelt, or unable to put down the armrests, will be forced to buy a second ticket or upgrade to a premium class, where the seats are larger. If a flight is full and an obese passenger is unable to buy another seat, they will be bumped from the flight.

A United spokeswoman told the Chicago Tribune that the airline decided to implement the policy after getting "more than 700 complaints last year from passengers; 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat.'

United employees at Chicago's O'Hare Airport have been told to "be extra vigilant for passengers they deem to be overweight."

Let's face it, they must be difficult to spot!

(news item courtesy of the Huffington Post).

ACAI X 3 - The supplement your body needs!  

The blurb goes on to say:

"Native to the Amazon Rain Forest, this ACAI Berry super food is packed with a combination of antioxidants and amino acids which naturally work together to help the body burn fat more efficiently."

But what's cool is the FREE TRIAL SIZE you get with every order of PEPTOBIMBO: liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception, or DUMBEROL which, when taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in a sudden penchant for country music and tattooed truckers. 

MEDICAL WARNING: This product will make you realize that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22)

You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual.

You are inclined to expect too much for too little, which makes you a cheap bastard.

Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

And from the US, here's a brand new product for those embarrassing male moments.

Yes, guys, It's CRACK SPACKLE.

Watch the live demonstration! (thanks to Sophie Runciman for sharing)

This year's winner was Alexander Rybak of Norway, whose song FAIRYTALE - little better than any of the rest, quite honestly - obviously touched a chord with more than 100 million viewers watching the hours-long event in horrified fascination "live" per satellite from Moscow's Olympic Indoor Arena on May 16th.

As Europe seems to be getting larger by the minute - in fact, every time I get back it seems as if some new and unpronounceable territory has joined the Union, happily exchanging their Dogovian Slotniks for the Euro (currently 150 million Slotniks to the Euro) - 42 nations took part this year, some of which you are as unlikely to have heard of as you are to visit - at least if you know what's good for you. FYR Macedonia, for example, or Armenia, Belarus, Slovenia, Slovakia, Slobogostan, Montenegro, Moldova, Estonia, Upper Bogdavia, Lower Zscrenwcysk, Andorra, to name but a few. If nothing else, the 54th Eurovision Song Contest certainly served as a lesson in geography. I, for one, didn't even know that Israel and Azerbaijan were in Europe!

The general euphoria was unfortunately tarnished by the arrest of a group of gay rights protesters right outside the door, while Georgia was banned on political grounds for entering a song that disparaged Russian prime minister Putin, and the striptease artiste who performed alongside Germany's entry was felt to be in poor taste. This surprised me somewhat, as most of the contestants performed practically naked, which served as an effective distraction from the abysmal quality of the music.

Despite this, there were some poignant moments and worthy - if unrealistic - sentiments, such as Israel's appeal for harmony and understanding with Palenstine in its entry entitled There Must Be Another Way.

So in a nutshell, the forecast is Sunni in parts, but mostly Shiite

But enough from me for another month, although I would leave you with this final thought:

When you're feeling down and depressed and wondering just what life is all about, it may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got plenty to bitch about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB   May 31, 2009

(Many thanks to reader John Hawkins once again for providing lots of the comedy pix) 

I didn’t manage to wish you all a Happy Easter - what with being on the road from Sea to Shining Sea, with all kinds of communication problems. But I hope all my readers had a jolly and relaxing time. 

I am sad to announce that, once again after the holiday, there have been some further cases of PED on the part of all those fluffy little Easter bunnies, who can’t face the thought of being redundant for another year and just don’t want to live anymore.

As you can see below, some of them have found the most inventive - and gruesome - ways of putting an end to it all.

 (More of this can be found in Andy Riley's THE BOOK OF BUNNY SUICIDES published by Holder & Stoughton)

US AIRWAYS is back on top again! There is no doubt that the US airlines in general treat their domestic passengers like scum. In fact, they should change "coach" to "scum" class. That way, there would be no surprises.

US Airways, which is probably no exception, gets some special misery points for imposing extra charges for all baggage - even the first piece ($15) and increasing incrementally from thereon in.

But my recent flight from LAX to Newark, via Philadelphia - no, don’t ask me why! - included some extra misery bonuses: record-breaking officiousness on the part of the flight attendants, the overhead light wouldn’t go out, the seats wouldn’t recline, and in-flight entertainment was non-existent, apart from the occasional bursts of abuse from the aforementioned flight attendants, some of which was mildly amusing. And the aircraft itself was so rickety, we were all just grateful that the old crate stayed in the skyr. So, a total of 50 misery points to US Airways!

While AMERICAN AIRLINES wins 10 plus points for their new cost-cutting strategy. The airline saved $40,000 last year, by eliminating 1 olive from each salad served in first-class. Makes you wonder where they buy their olives.

(Photo courtesy of Joe Lauricella, forwarded by Toni Rocco - thanks, Toni!).

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

No one who knows me well - and admires my elegance and impeccable dress sense - will be surprised to discover that I shop for most of my clothes at these two shops in Manhattan.

Not forgetting the groovy place in SoHo, where I buy my designer toilet paper.

Which I certainly have been using lots of just lately, what with my new weight-loss plan..

Ever since I updated to super-ultra-turbo-high-speed Internet (8,000 GB per nanosecond), everything has slowed down by at least 300%. How do you explain that? I guess this means I’ll have to call "Dave" on the Mumbai helpline for 30 million Rupees a nanosecond.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22)

You are practical and persistent.

You have a dogged determination and work like hell.

You prevail in most arguments because you are stubborn and bull-headed, but are basically full of bullshit.

You are an unimaginative idiot.

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. It goes downhill from there.

The US government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.

Reader Phil Holmes reports that casino owner, Chief "Throw-up-the-seven-or-eleven", whom he recently encountered in Palm Springs, has just developed a new invention called the STREAM CATCHER.

Everyone thought this would be an agricultural device, but it turned out to be a urinal. 

Still in Native American tradition, it can be worn as a brooch or on a leather thong around the neck.

Probably a good excuse for me to "butt out" for this month! Tune in next time for more exciting details of my recent US tour and just a few of the things that cheesed me off from Sea to Shining Sea. 

And finally, try to remember, like I do, that when I’m having a really bad day and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend the middle finger and tell them to bite me!

 Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB  April 27, 2009

(Many thanks to reader John Hawkins for providing lots of the comedy pix) 

And this month’s Airline Misery Award goes to German Lufthansa!

Thanks to Lufthansa’s pitiful service at Frankfurt airport, I was recently able to miss my flight to Berlin while actually standing in line to check in! For me, this was an all-time first and worth at least 100 misery points for the inefficiency, lack of cooperation and downright rudeness of the personnel.

So, imagine my joy 2 weeks later to discover that, according to Lufthansa "general terms of carriage", my return flight had automatically been canceled. Apparently this is standard procedure for passengers who have failed to take the outbound flight. Worth another 100 misery points, at least.

Unfortunately,  these "general terms and conditions" - about 300 pages of tiny print which everyone should read for their own edification - seem to be in direct violation of a ruling by the Frankfurt District Court in 2006, prohibiting an airline’s automatic cancellation of a return flight in just these very circumstances. I think that's worth another 100 misery points, don't you? Which makes Lufthansa our current record holder with a total of 300 misery points!

So, I paid twice for a Frankfurt/Berlin return trip and ended up taking the train. An incredibly comfortable, four-hour trip from city centre to city centre, with no hassle, no security control, no cavity search, coffee delivered to my comfy seat, thanks to the Deutsche Bundesbahn - which I should have considered doing in the first place!

My advice to domestic passengers traveling in Germany? Take the train!!!

It’s been a busy month for the scammers, if I’m anything to go by. Got back from the US on Feb. 3. One day later, I get a call from American Express, asking if I’d just spent $11,700 in a spa resort in New South Wales, Australia! Nice thought, but needless to say, it wasn’t me. Still, somebody did, courtesy of my Amex card. Now, this card had only been activated six weeks before, never been out of my sight and even I didn’t know the pin code or security number. So how the hell did they do that? Anyway, Amex, as polite and efficient as always, dealt with this matter and in a manner causing me zero personal grief and no financial loss - apart from the initial heart flutter at the news - and made it right.

About 10 minutes later, I’m opening the mail and find a bunch of accumulated bills from my mobile service provider (Debitel, who prefers to remain anonymous). On each of which an extra $15 had been added for "total costs for external services". What services? I asked myself. And Debitel, too, for that matter, when I called the help line. (Needless to say, they kept me hanging on for about 40 minutes at $50 a second, before picking up.)

Debitel couldn’t say, unfortunately, but advised me to contact the external service provider directly, who would give me the details. Neither could Debitel cancel aforesaid external service, which had to be canceled with the provider of same. Debitel did not balk, however, at adding the costs of these unknown services from their unknown provider to my bill and subsequently deducting the money from my bank account. When I protested about this, I was told that it was to be found in Debitel’s "general terms and conditions". At the bottom of page 874, I believe. I did, of course, request confirmation - like, something in writing - attesting to the fact that I had ordered such services (and from whom). Unfortunately, they could not provide that, either.

So, I called my bank to cancel Debitel's direct debit authorization. But the bank can’t do that, apparently. Only Debitel can. Once you have granted direct debit authorization to a vendor or service provider, only that party can cancel it! You can, of course, cancel each individual payment that is debited when you spot it on your statement. But you only have a certain time in which to do it, and you’ve got to keep on your toes. If you’re on the road and can’t contact your bank, you’ve lost the money!! The beat goes on - but I’ll save the next exciting episode in this long tale of woe for next month.

Sometimes I wonder how much better a world we could be living in, if man’s boundless enterprising spirit and creativity when it comes to fraud could be directed into positive channels - like saving the planet and stuff. Don’t you?

”Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.” (Mark Twain)

I thought I'd pass on this notification from Adobe. 

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)

You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.

You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice.

You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with.

You are an asshole.

 And for those born on February 29^th of a leap year, there’s a special astrological sign.

 Feces (Feb. 29) 

As you only have a birthday once every four years, you are unable to grow up and mature like other people.

You like diving and swimming.

Normal behavior for a piece of shit. .

So I guess that's it from me for this month. I'll be back again for the Easter edition. 

Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB 

March 7, 2009.

There’s nothing like a “Closing Down Sale”, garage or car boot sale, and the possibility of acquiring some "free shit", to get US consumers out on the street and lining up three-deep outside a store for hours, in the hopes of buying something cheap that they never wanted in the first place.

And so it was the other weekend with “Circuit City” - one of the many stores and chains,  going out of business, closing down branches or just getting rid of thousands of workers. 

No sooner did the announcement hit TV screens that the electronics chain was going out of business than the lines started forming. Two armed security guards stood watch outside the store, admitting customers one at a time after an ID check and cavity search.

Needless to say, a blend of curiosity and masochism drove me to take my place in the line. I mean, if it wasn't for security checks, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.

So it's back to my old weight loss favorites: Puke-It-Up and Flush-It-out (with green tea extract and essence of acacia, as endorsed by Oprah Winfrey!). And if that doesn’t work, I’ll have Nutrisystem deliver "142 mouth-watering meals right to my door!"

Don’t forget, Alison of Bare Ass, Nebraska, lost more than 68 lbs - in one week! And Luke of Frigid, Wisconsin, 178 lbs!

 Meanwhile, I'm off to get some professional advice...

Although they really don't make it easy for you out here.

But it's not all homemade ice cream and pie kitchens. There are lots of elegant, designer restaurants, like this one the left, for example..

A postage-stamp portion of “black linguini with honey-roasted shrimp on a bed of arugula with white asparagus, sesame croutons and a drizzle of raspberry vinaigrette”, for instance, cost about a $500, tasted like cardboard - although it was prettily arranged on the plate - and the service was nothing to write home about either, apart from the waiter’s cute Italian accent.

On the other end of the scale, you can go to any of the multitude of fast-food dives and get  KFC, pancakes, a burger, or a mile-long, toasted submarine sandwich with everything on it - and dripping with 38 different kinds of melted cheese - for about $2.50. The only way to eat it, of course, is over the sink. According to a TV ad I just saw, “Domino’s oven-baked sandwiches beat Subways 2 to 1 in all national taste tests” – so I guess they must be really good.

I like to cook when I can. And as I like good, healthy ingredients, I shop at Whole Foods. Every item only costs $20 more than anywhere else, and tastes pretty much the same. 

But for those of us watching our weight, my local Whole Foods (on 5th and Wilshire) is a blessing: it must be the most unattractive supermarket in the world.

No matter how hungry I am when I go in, I can never find anything even vaguely appetizing.

Today, I went in for some chicken and came out with a pair of reading glasses, so there you are.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

  And here's the ultimate scam. A group purporting to fight the Spam Scammers. See this email below from - where else - but Nigeria.
 
“I believe you all know what scam is all about. We are Global scam fighters. We are on Internet to inform every one who has been a scam victim that their is an opportunity for them to get back their Money. We are present in africa now to fight scammers and to recover back our lost money to africans."
 
"We encourage any one that has fall victim to co operate with this commission to help them get back their money. All we need is your reply then you brief us how the transaction was made then we will carry on with our investigation. Be rest assured that your money will get back to you within 6 days. you must trust us to trust you okay. Secretary General - If you had sent money to Africa you have a chance to take them to court because 1 of them had been caught..if you lost money or win deaf lottery, contact us quick or chat at yahoo messenger. reply back to this email: scamtrace@gmail.com."

My cell phone fell apart the other day, stuck together with Scotch tape as it was. So I went shopping for a new one. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a new phone from my mobile service provider as I had just stupidly renewed my contract for another 80 years for no discernible benefits – but that’s another story for another time.

Believe it or not, I’ve been looking for a “dumb” phone. You know; the kind you used to use to just call people and maybe access voice mails. I don’t need a mobile entertainment center with “jamba”, samba, mamba, rumba, or any other kind of Latin American dance packages. No games, nor instant Internet connection when you accidentally press the wrong key. I don’t need 780 different ring tones with dancing frogs or puking hamsters, or email access; nor do I want to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster on the tiny screen, or see my favourite sports team, TV soap, or any porn either, for that matter. I don’t need a 35 megapixel camera with a 100x digital zoom, 6-hour video recording, mp3 player, Am/FM radio, disco lightshow, toaster, baby alarm, RSS reader, portable X-ray machine, burglar alarm, diet plan, navigation system, dialysis machine, or integrated sex toy. I just want to be able to make a wretched phone call without being instantly connected to the Web Browser for $1,000 a minute.

I don’t want to chat on MyCase, ButtFace, SpaceBook, GlueTube, Twatter, or any other social network. I don’t want to flirt online, play Jeopardy or strip poker, or take part in any quizzes, contests, phone sex, or beam anything to anybody anywhere at any time. I don’t need smileys, pod-casts, jingles, templates, pop songs, psychedelic screensavers, clip art libraries, or videos. I don’t need Bluetooth, infra-red, or quad-band, nor do I need 38 security settings with separate pin numbers (all of them case sensitive), or a barium enema. I just want to make a fucking phone call… Is that asking too little?

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)

You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be creative, which means you lie a great deal.
You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you do not pay attention to anyone and never take advice.
This makes you an idiot.
Everyone thinks you smoke lots of dope.

You may remember my last month's horoscope for Capricorn. 

I wrote: There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus)."

Michael Levine has this to say: "According to biblical scholars, Jesus was most likely born in March. (Shepherds don't tend their flocks in 'fields where they lay' in mid-winter in the Middle East, among many other clues)  So, Capricorns are actually complete losers.

So I guess that's it from me for this month. the first of the new year. I'll be back again for the bumper Valentine's Day edition. 

Meanwhile, you must have lots to moan about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB 

January, 30, 2009.

If you drop a bag of lentils on the kitchen floor, you will keep finding them forever!

Why send Christmas cards, when you can send out your very own Spam! Without even knowing it, too! Imagine my surprise to find that I had sent myself - and probably everybody I know - an email with the headline: “Set Your Wife on Fire!”  Needless to say, I opened it - thinking it was a neat arson suggestion and, after all, the sender was hardly unknown to me - and there it was: an ad for “D-Large”, a brand new product to make you extra hard, extra long, extra large, and so forth.

Wondering how people could hijack my email address to make virus-filled spam look like it's coming from me, I googled the topic to find that it really is easy and anybody can do it! Email has no built-in verification of who is sending it. This means that any person can send an email that appears to come from any address. You don’t need special tools, just a basic knowledge of email headers. (My email was hosted by a server in Poland.) And if you’re on the receiving end, apparently there is nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that jolly?

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.

You are basically chickenshit.

There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus).

You should kill yourself.

As another year draws to a close, I want to thank you all for the super emails you have forwarded to me over the past year with special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But this will change once I receive the $25,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 guardian angels.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. Otherwise I will break out in boils and die a horrible death.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains, as well as taking off my nail polish from the inside.

I no longer go to shopping malls in case somebody drugs me with a food sample and steals my handbag.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

I dare not use anyone else's toilet because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Or in case a giant mutant alligator crawls up out of the sewage system, where it has been skulking for centuries, to drag me into the bowels of the earth.

I can't even pick up the ten bucks I found lying in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed ax murderer waiting under the car to grab my leg and hack me to death.

If you don't send this email to at least 86,000 people in the next 5 minutes, a huge vulture with diarrhoea will let loose and follow you around forever.

(I want to thank John Hawkins for forwarding this letter to me, originally composed by Alida Chaney)

So that's it from me for this month - this year, actually - wishing you a Very Merry Xmas and a Happy New Year - financial crisis notwithstanding.

Indeed, the prospects are looking grim for 2009, and I guess we could all do with a bit of support.

Meanwhile, I'm sure you've all got plenty to moan about. So, don't forget: all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.

Geraldine LB, December 24, 2008 

If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 

Ironically enough, the 2008 LA Auto Show, advertised as one of the most exciting events of the year and doubtless at a phenomenal cost, is taking place at the LA Convention Center from Nov. 19-30 - with admission free for kids under 12! (Make of that what you will, but I see it as a sure sign that drivers will be getting considerably younger in the not-too-distant future!).

Apart from all the new cars on display - although there are plenty to be seen along the miles of deserted auto showrooms on Santa Monica Blvd.- there will even be some autograph sessions with the cast of "Pimp My Ride" and the Major League Soccer All-Stars, as well as an appearance by the LA Lakers! 

 No doubt the CEOs from the three major US automakers will also be leaping into their private jets to fly in from Detroit, hot on the heels of their recent, pitiful performance in Washington, where they appeared to beg Congress for a $25 bn. handout. Not only did they arrive in 3 separate luxury jets (from the same place), which put everybody's noses truly out of joint - described by one Congressional leader as "turning up at a soup kitchen in a top hat and tails." - but they didn't even have a business plan to present when they got there. In fact, no one is quite sure how they arrived at the figure of $25 bn. in the first place.

Well, I've been involved in various business ventures in my time and even I know that if I want to beg, borrow or steal a paltry $50K to open my own toilet-paper company, I have to turn up at the bank with a business plan as thick as a telephone directory (or a toilet roll), including circles and arrows and graphs and pie charts, some aerial photography and a cash plan together with an activity flow chart for the next 30 years. Maybe I should have tried approaching Congress.... 

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