MOANS, GRIPES, IRONY & the occasional bit of FAKE NEWS!
And it’s a Happy Easter to you all from the world’s biggest bunny!
While the rest of us were getting all excited last month about dressing up as Leprechauns to do the honors on St.Paddy’s Day, it was PENIS DAY in
Every March 15, the festival of Honen Matsuri celebrates fertility and renewal in Komaki, (approx. 45 mins. north of
Who is the woman on the right? Fuck knows…
Although the Western world (or at least the chocolate-eating part of it) innocently celebrates the holiday with fertile analogies: cute, fluffy bunnies, painted eggs and candy, it’s basically still the same naughty, pagan celebration of fecundity and glorification of the dick. It just happens to take place at the same time as the Resurrection.
But let’s not forget what Easter really means, as shown by a recent survey conducted by the
involving 500 children aged 7-14 in a variety of schools. Fewer than one in ten believed that Jesus was, or is, God. A third found Him “a bit confusing” and more than a quarter thought him “hard to believe in.” Here’s a sample answer to one of the questions: What do Christians celebrate on Easter? University of Exeter
Although a monstrous amount of chocolate was sold in the
Stuff you maybe didn’t know about chocolate:
The largest chocolate sculpture ever made was a 10 ft. high Easter egg constructed in
But the chocolate manufacturers have been producing more than just pralines, bunnies and Easter eggs.They've come up with some very innovative creations for the up-scale market segment, like this dress made of chocolate, or even this chocolate Ferrari!
Easter week is also the year’s top selling week for eggs, (61 million dozen sold last year). Sales increased 45% over average weekly sales.
Eggs were traditionally used in pre-Christian festivals as the symbol of new life, purity or fertility. Later customs concerning eggs were linked with Easter, because the egg provided a fresh and powerful symbol of the Resurrection and the transformation of death into life, as can be seen from these very lively eggs below.
Fighting the Flab!!
None of this is very helpful, of course, when it comes to our War on Flab. So here are three more desperate diets
Japanese Banana-Breakfast Diet: It’s the early worm that gets the banana these days in
The banana's newfound popularity has been attributed to the simplicity of Hitoshi's weight-loss method. Dieters are advised to dine by 8 pm and be in bed by midnight. They should avoid, but not necessarily eliminate, alcohol and fatty foods. Best of all: there is no obligation to exercise. Although Hitoshi's approach has been endorsed by biomedical expert Dr Noboru Motohashi, who says he lost 12.6 kilograms on a similar fruit diet, other nutritionists are more skeptical. ”Eating only one kind of food in the long term is not healthy as it cannot provide the necessary nutrition.”
The Egg Diet is the rage
The Monkey Chow Diet: Adam Scott, pictured here on the left, is eating nothing but Monkey Chow - a high-fiber, nutritionally-complete food for chimps in pellet form. "Maybe I'll lose weight. Maybe I'll gain superhuman monkey powers. Maybe I'll go nuts. Maybe it's too late.” It could be the perfect answer for the diet-obsessed. No more worrying about the next meal. No cooking. No counting carbohydrates or calories. No worries about shelf-life or shopping. So, how’s it going so far? On Day 5, Adam reported trouble downstairs - with a diary entry of “Poop: Problematic.”.
Books of the month!
But while we’re on the subject of poop, or lack of same, here’s some recommended reading:
I was reading this book "The History of Glue". I couldn't put it down.
The findings, reported this week in the Archives of Internal Medicine, are based on a study of just over 19,000 US women aged 39 or older who, at the start of the study, fell into the “normal weight” category based on their body mass index.
Researchers at Brigham and Women’s Hospital in
This trend does not appear to apply to men, however, as you can see by the sad state of The Chippendales - 30 years after.
A 2007 study of British men showed that regular drinkers gained more weight than non-drinkers. Studies suggest that drinking alcohol has different effects on the eating habits of men and women. Men typically add alcohol to their daily caloric intake, whereas women are more likely to substitute alcohol for food. In addition, there may be differences in how men and women metabolize alcohol. Metabolic studies show that after drinking alcohol, men experience little if any metabolic change. But alcohol appears to slightly speed up a woman’s metabolism.
Source material: TARA PARKER-POPE
The Airline Misery Award!
And this month’s nominees are:
The 90-minute delay of a recent American Airlines flight to
US Airways' recent flight 985 from
Concerns over the plane's history have been expressed by both the USAPA and the Association of Flight Attendants. The Federal Aviation Administration is looking into these incidents.
United Airlines has now managed to turn on the misery even before you board the aircraft. It begins as soon as you check in, especially if you do it at one of their electronic kiosks.
United’s user-friendly software painstakingly guides passengers through the log-in and check-in procedure. Clicking on the prominently-placed, bright gold button at the bottom right of the screen - where you would normally find the "Proceed" or "OK" button - actually leads you to automatically accept some extra options, which are likely to cost you a pretty penny. To continue without these options requires you clicking on a separate “No thanks” button, which is almost impossible to find: in virtually unreadable print; located way off on an isolated corner of the page, where even angels fear to tread.
So what do you have to do? Be aware. Stay focused. If you arrive at the airport late, hassled, confused, and frazzled, don’t check in at a kiosk. It is likely to cost you more than just your nerves.
The screens are specially designed to con the unwary into purchasing unnecessary add-ons. $49, for example, will buy you “Premier Line” access, which claims to whisk you through the security check points and get you onboard at the speed of light. But as TSA inspections are subject to individual airport security guidelines, there is no guarantee. Nor will it help you jump the standby list, or even gain you admittance to the business class lounge. $78 will get you frequent flyer miles, while a business-class upgrade can be had for a mere $396.68. All yours for a grand total of $523.68, if you press the wrong button. And if you’ve swiped your credit card, innocently assuming that you’re using it as ID for collecting your ticket, you may find that you’ve completed a different transaction entirely.
A teacher was arrested at
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
”Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'X and Y, and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”
As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.”
And, as well all know, without geometry, life is pointless.
Meanwhile in Britain, Muslim suicide bombers are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda management have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut from 72 to 60 (25%) from 1 March,2010. The rationale for the cut was that the increase in recent years of successful suicide bombings has greatly increased the demand for devout virgins in the afterlife, so that one has reached the bare bones of available supply.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM.) responded with a statement that security of virgin supply for the afterlife was an essential part of the martyrs’ contract and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members literally work themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We detonate in good faith, but to downsize our virgin quota is an act of bad faith by management.”
Mr. Amir accepted that virgin supply appeared to be in long term decline, but pointed out that virgin cutbacks should be shared more equally between workforce and management. “Last Christmas Abu Hamza alone was awarded an annual bonus of 150,000 virgins,” complains Amir. “And you can be sure they were pretty ones. How can Al Qaeda justify so many virgins for management but not assure the 72 for each person who does the real work?”
Speaking from the shed in the
Talks broke down this morning after management’s last-ditch proposal of a virgin-sharing scheme offering alternative choice of orifice was rejected outright by upright members.. One virgin, who refused to be named, was quoted as saying “I'll be buggered if I agree to anything like that.”
Unless some sort of agreement is brokered over the weekend, suicide bombers will down explosives at midday on Monday. Most branches are supporting the strike, although the
Spokespersons in the North East of England, Swindon and
Do It Yourself!
But when it comes to explosive devices, I honestly can’t understand what all the fuss is about. I mean, anybody can make one. I found this Build Your Own Volcano kit for $7.50 n the children’s dept. of my local Barnes & Nobel bookstore. How different is a bomb from a volcano? How hard can it be?
And here's the handy travel-size version!
Exciting new products!
Apart from the occasional bit of frightening news and some large dicks, this month’s focus, as you may have noticed, is basically on poop. So here's an appropriate new product!
It's a nifty, little do-it-yourself, squishy plastic poop-maker. Advertised by its makers as "the perfect poop accessory" for your laptop or cell phone, I don't really know what one is supposed to do with it. If anyone can work it out, please let me know.
The yummpy-looking, chocolate turd ice cream on the left is a speciality served in Taiwan's no. 1 theme restaurant THE MODERN TOILET, where customers sit on potties and eat out of tubs, toilets, sinks and bidets.
Recommended California "theme" restaurants
Masquerading as Art!
This giant inflatable dog turd by American artist Paul McCarthy was exhibited at the garden of a Swiss museum.
The art work, titled COMPLEX SHIT and which is the size of a house, blew away from the exhibition, bringing down a power line and breaking a greenhouse window before it landed again.
The wind carried it 200 metres from the Paul Klee Centre in
As you can see, we're back to dicks!
This weird-looking little critter on the left is a Naked Mole-Rat and comes from
So if you are having a bad day and feeling sorry for yourself, remember: You could be unfortunate enough to look like a dick with buck teeth...
It's ta-ta from me for another month or so - at least until the next major holiday season.
Meanwhile, keep sending me your gripes and grievances, so I can share them on: www.what-pisses-me-off.com
February in California!
Here we are back in sunny
If you thought taking your shoes off was a drag...
The Joys of Flight!
There are some hot contenders for this month’s Airline Misery Award, but it looks like American Airlines is all set to win. The airline has been accused of serious deficiencies in maintenance by two separate federal agencies. The penalty could be anything from $10 to $20 million, unless AA gets its act together. This all stems from faulty wiring in the McDonnell Douglas MD-80 aircraft which, in April 2008, forced AA to temporarily ground its entire MD-80 fleet, resulting in flight cancellations affecting more than 300,000 passengers. Equipment made by McDonnell Douglas (which merged with Boeing in 1997) is among the most antiquated still in use around the globe and has an accident rate of 14 per 1,000 aircraft.
According to an article that appeared in last May’s Journal of Business and Economics Research, researchers from Embry-Riddle Aeronautical University, Daytona Beach, Fla., studied 476 accidents that occurred between 2000 and 2007, excluding those caused by weather or terrorism, and found that more accidents occurred in old planes (between 15 and 24 or more years old) operated by Latin America, the Middle East and Africa.
So what puts American Airlines ahead of the game this month? Well, those passengers who can still consider trying to actually get some sleep during a longish flight after reading this will be delighted to hear that, as of May 1st, coach passengers (“scum” class, remember) on American domestic flights of more than two hours’ duration, as well as flights to Hawaii, Canada, Mexico, the Caribbean and Central America, will have to cough up an extra $8 for a blanket and inflatable neck pillow - which can double up as a flotation device, so it's probably a good investment.
We’re getting all excited about the forthcoming HEMP CON,
But legal reform is the ultimate aim and although the benefits of medical marijuana (or any other kind, for that matter), have become almost impossible for its vociferous opponents to deny, the issue is fraught with legal conflict.
California was the first state to legalize marijuana for medical use in 1996, yet although current legislation has ruled it legal to cultivate by card-carrying patients and caregivers, it is illegal to possess and likewise illegal to purchase or sell, with the paradoxical proviso that It be sold on a non-profit basis and is subject to sales tax.
Here’s a brief overview of what punishment law breakers can expect:
Possession of 28.5 grams or less of marijuana is not an arrestable offense, as long as offenders can provide sufficient identification and promise to appear in court. If convicted, offenders are subject to a fine of $100. Possession of any amount greater than 28.5 grams is punishable by up to 6 months in jail and a fine of up to $500. Possession of up to 28.5 grams in a school zone gets you up to 10 days in jail and a $500 fine, while possession of a greater amount is worth up to 6 months jail and a $500 fine.
The cultivation or processing of any amount of marijuana is punishable by up to 16 months in state prison. This does not apply to patients or their primary caregivers who possess or cultivate marijuana for that patient’s personal medical use, upon the recommendation or approval of a physician.
Selling marijuana in any amount is punishable by 2-4 years in the state prison; while selling to a minor gets 3-5 years.
Giving away less than 28.5 grams is a misdemeanor and punishable with a $100 fine.
Possession of dope paraphernalia is a civil fine of $200-$300 for the first offense, going up to $5,000-$6,000 for a fifth or subsequent violation within a 5-year period.
For more information see: Hemp Con
I know it's belated but I like to send everyone special good wishes for all major holidays, and it doesn’t get more major here in the US than Valentine’s Day, followed by President’s Day - unless it’s National Mattress Awareness Day, Groundhog Day, or Eat More Peanut Butter Day. So I hope yours was especially romantic and you spent plenty of money to help boost the economy.
Valentine’s Day is always big business. Last year, E-commerce retailers alone raked in approx. $650 million worth of sales of food, candy, flowers, and other gifts. Of that amount about $350 million went on gifts and flowers (110 million roses, mostly red), with another $45 million on food and wine. This does not include the $1.8 billion that US consumers spent on chocolate - and all this during a recession.
As for sporting events, the Super Bowl generated nationwide excitement and had everyone glued to the tube earlier this month.
As I know as much about football as I do about, say, quantum physics, I’m with Maxine on this one. But it’s a pretty big deal and many chose to celebrate in the traditional manner - by stuffing themselves with high-calorie, gooey cakes, specially baked for the occasion. Like these two we spotted on sale at our local supermarket.
So what with all the Valentine's Day chocolate and the super bowl cakes, plus the extra weight we put on over Xmas - added to the fact that according to recent studies, 39.8 million people, representing 60% of all American adults from the age of 20 upwards, are already obese - the WAR ON FLAB continues!
Fighting the flab!
Some of the worst afflicted were recently spotted shopping at Wallmart
The COTTON BALL DIET is especially popular in
The CABBAGE SOUP DIET also called the “Russian peasant diet,” the “Sacred Heart diet,” and the “TJ miracle soup diet,” consists of eating nothing but cabbage soup for a week. Claimed to generate a 10 pound weight loss, which is refuted by most experts. As most weight lost on this diet consists of water, the loss is temporary. Possible Side Effects: High sodium content and extremely low protein lead to feelings of weakness, and horrendous flatulence. (The FARTO speciailty drug store can provide relief for the latter).
The CAVEMAN DIET also known as the Paleolithic Diet, revolves around mimicking the diet of Stone Age man, (who had an average life span of 15 years). The only food allowed is what can be hunted and gathered, and consists of leaves, berries, roots, nuts and bushes. Lean meat and fish can be eaten, as long as you hunt and kill it all yourself, which is guaranteed to give you plenty of exercise. Grains, dairy products, salt, refined sugar, and oils are strictly off-limits. Possible Side Effects: Serious injuries can be sustained when running away from dangerous animals or eating the wrong bush.
The TAPEWORM DIET is almost too revolting to contemplate and involves ingesting tapeworm-infested raw or rotting meat (preferably beef) and then letting the parasite do its thing for up to 10 weeks. Then taking antibiotics to get rid of the things. Possible Side Effects: The little buggers won't go away.
And if none of these diets appeal to you, then I suggest my old time-tested, weight-loss favorites POOP-IT-OUT and CHUK-IT-UP, which work best taken after a liberal dose of hot sauce. I can specially recommend the ones featured below.
Or better still - to find out lots of dietary stuff you never knew, or already did but were trying to suppress, read THE DIET JOKE - A REPROGRAMMING GUIDE FOR PERPETUAL CONSUMERS by Lisa Padace, published by Big Shot Press, San Diego, or order directly online from www.thedietjoke.com
And finally, if we are what we eat, then that explains this:
Some like it hot!
Hell hath no fury like this hot sauce!
Colon Cleaner and Sphincter Shrinker also get the job done.
Medical advice from Dr. Chang!
Dr. Chang is back by popular request to answer readers’ questions about pregnancy and family planning
Should I have a baby after 35?
Dr. Chang: No, 35 kids are enough.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
Dr. Chang: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Dr. Chang: Childbirth
My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
Dr. Chang: So what's your question?
My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
Mrs. Chang: Yes, in the same way that a cyclone might be called an air current.
When is the best time to get an epidural?
Dr. Chang: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
Dr. Chang: Not unless the phrase “child support payment” means anything to you.
Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Dr. Chang: Yes, pregnancy.
Do I have to have a baby shower?
Dr. Chang: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly
Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
Dr. Chang: When the kid moves out.
The next big deal before the Easter onslaught is St. Patrick’s Day on March 17, when everybody out here suddenly discovers they’re Irish.
Stores are getting excited about all the revenue it’s going to generate and have already swapped the defunct V-Day displays with emerald green.
But this is nothing compared to what goes on in the Old Country.
Last year, for example, more than three hundred Leprechauns gathered in Louth after the St Patrick's Day parade where the organization known as MACRA NA FERIME won the Guinness World Record for the most people in one place dressed as leprechauns.And even that was pretty tame compared to some of the stuff that took place Down Under in honor of Australia Day.
They’ve been racing cockroaches at the Story Bridge Hotel in
The Tunarama Festival has been held in the coastal town of
To date, no one’s managed to beat former Olympic hammer thrower, Sean Carlin, who holds the record for the longest toss at 37.23 metres in 1998.
New Product Announcement!
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car especially for women.
They are mixing the Renault Clio and the Ford Taurus and calling it the CLITAURUS:
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if he is told where it is.
Telecommunications in LA!
New PC Accessories!
Introducing the new
And if you ORDER NOW you’ll get a free bag of coffee to go with it!
Financial Advice for Senior Citizens!
A solution for those who have been denied health care and a pension.
Our plan gives anyone 65 years or older a gun and 4 bullets.
You are allowed to shoot any 2 politicians and 2 senior government officials of your choice.
This ensures that you will be sent to prison, where you will receive 3 meals a day, a roof over your head, TV, and free health care, which covers new teeth, glasses, organs (kidneys, lungs, liver, heart), as well as replacement hip and knee joints.
All courtesy of the government that just declared you too old for health care.
In addition, as a prisoner, you are released from paying income tax.
A weird lemon pongo recently spotted by Rosemarie Couture at the local Farmers Market.
This could be a potato, but I'm honestly not sure.
And it’s a Happy New Year to you all from me and M.S.O. (My Significant Other) in our new home, where we have spent the holiday season unpacking boxes, shifting furniture - and obviously pooping snow cones - although we did spot some rather innovative, albeit economical, Xmas decorations around town this year:
But at least we didn’t have to fly anywhere….
The joys of flight!
However, this month’s Airline Misery Award, has to go to Northwest Airlines (or its new owner Delta), after the botched Xmas day suicide attack on NWA flight 253 from Amsterdam to Detroit, with 290 on board. The incident occurred around noon, when 23-year old Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, a Nigerian national with suspected al-Qaida affiliations, tried to blow up the plane with a chemical incendiary device he had smuggled on board. Fortunately, he was quickly subdued by passengers and crew, who managed to extinguish the flames in time. Officials are investigating just how he had managed to get explosives on board in the first place, despite heightened global security controls since 9/11.
Wise, as always, after the event, it was reported that US authorities had known of the bomber’s terrorist connections for over a month, after his own father, concerned about his son’s extremist behavior, had alerted them in November. Nevertheless, Abdulmutallab, a former engineering student at
But the failed attack has nonetheless resulted in worldwide airport misery, as further, more stringent security measures are implemented: bomb-sniffing dogs, extensive frisking, and horrendously long lines and delays. Passengers have reported that they now have to remove everything from their handbags and pockets (including Kleenex), and have been barred from using any electronic devices, or even getting out of their seats to visit the toilet during the last hour of flight.
The US and British governments are seriously toying with the idea of installing pre-boarding, “naked” body scanners, which should make air travel even more delightful. The scanners, while allowing security personnel to spot any weapons or explosives hidden beneath clothing, also reveal breast implants, false limbs, piercings, and clear outlines of genitalia. Which should at least help them to stay awake, I suppose.
But despite ignoring warnings given well in advance, there must be some simpler ways of spotting a terrorist at the airport, surely?
European security levels raised
These recent events have impelled the British to raise their security level from MIFFED to PEEVED. Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to IRRITATED or even A BIT CROSS. Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from TIRESOME to a BLOODY NUISANCE. The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The French government also announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in
It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.
What with the Golden Globes, Sundance, the BAFTAs and the Academy Awards ceremonies on the horizon, it is definitely Awards Season. Here are some other, lesser known awards events that you definitely won’t be seeing on TV.
THE SMELLY SNEAKER AWARD
The Smelly Sneaker Contest began in 1975 to boost shoe sales at a local sporting goods store and blossomed into a national event in 1988, when Odor-Eaters assumed sponsorship. Since then, it has fermented into the ultimate test of the degree of offensiveness that can be generated by a kid's sneakers. Footwear is judged on the conditions of the sole, tongue, heel, toe, laces or Velcro, eyelets/grommets, overall condition and, most importantly, odor, by a panel.
Fifteen-year-old Ben Russell, from
THE STELLA AWARDS
The Stella Awards are granted to people who file outrageous and frivolous lawsuits, named after Stella Liebeck who spilled a cup of McDonalds coffee onto her lap in 1992, causing third degree burns. She sued McDonalds and was awarded $2.9 million in damages, which was subsequently reduced by the court to $640,000, though she later settled with McDonalds for an undisclosed amount.
The last winner of the True Stella Award was Roy L. Pearson Jr., a 57-year-old Administrative Law Judge from
THE DARWIN AWARDS
Named after evolutionary theorist Charles Darwin, the Darwin Award is an honor, posthumously granted, to those who “do a service to humanity by accidentally removing themselves from the gene pool” - in a sublimely idiotic fashion.
Some examples of Darwin award winners include: Jumping out of a plane to film skydivers without wearing a parachute (US,1987); Trying to get enough light to look down the barrel of a loaded muzzleloader gun using a cigarette lighter (US, 1996); Attempting to play Russian roulette with a semi-automatic pistol that automatically loads the next round into the chamber, etc..
The most recent winner was “The Enema Within”, where a man died of alcohol poisoning after inserting two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry into his rectum.
Fighting the Xmas flab!
David before & after Xmas!
Weight is certainly a problem just after the Christmas holidays, when we’ve been stuffing ourselves senseless.So with your needs in mind, I’ve been looking into some brand new diets that are taking Beverly Hills by storm. Here’s are the top two.
THE HOLLYWOOD COOKIE DIET
So, what about the cookies? Not intended to replace a meal, you nibble on those whenever you get peckish and need to eat at least six a day (washing them down with at least eight glasses of water) for the diet to be effective. The one meal and six cookies amount to 800 calories, which is the point of the whole exercise.
THE LIP GLOSS DIET
“Always on the lips. Never on the hips,” is the slogan advertising Fuze Slenderize Lip Gloss, which claims to contain active ingredients that curb the appetite, speed the metabolism, and boost energy levels. This is down to the wondrous new plant extract SuperCitrimax, which supposedly keeps hunger pangs at bay and stops the body converting carbohydrates into fat.
On the other hand, some bloke in
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
With this fact in mind, here are our final two Yoga vs.drinking positions:
Ananda Balasana: This position is ideal for improving suppleness of the ankles and back muscles.
Malasana or the Pigeon: Tones the body, builds flexibility and helps minimize stress.
WARNING! People who perform the above exercise regularly have a tendency to poop on cars!
Then again, let's not forget that banging your head against a wall uses up 150 calories an hour!
We got books for Xmas!
This is my favorite holiday of the year - when we can give free reign to our fantasies, dress up like zombies, spooks and vampires, and merrily go trick-or-treating.
Or just wander around scaring the shit out of everybody.
There are some amazing parties going on all over the place, or you can just stay home and watch horror movies, carving weird stuff into pumpkins.
Or maybe even bake a creepy cake for the kids:
As for me, I'm dusting off the old broomstick and making it flight-worthy.
Let’s face it, it’s probably a safer and more efficient form of transport than, say, flying with a
The joys of flight!
On Monday, October 19, 2009, at 6:05 a.m. Delta Air Lines flight 60 from
But even better than missing the runway was Northwest Airlines flight 188 from
"The crew stated they were in a heated discussion over airline policy and lost situational awareness."
Wacky sporting events!
I may have given you all the impression over the last few months that it is only the Brits who go in for weird and wacky extreme sporting events. But this demented masculine behavior is by no means restricted to the rainy island - or to Halloween, either.
Some strenuous stuff took place on the European mainland this summer, where men proved they were men.
The World Sauna Championship takes place every August in
Meanwhile played all over Europe, this year’s UNDERWATER RUGBY CHAMPIONSHIP took place in
Exercise is good for the body and good for the soul - especially when you can replace it with drinking. Having given up jogging when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire, these exercises have proved to be the perfect alternative. Here are another 3 beneficial Yoga positions that you can perform in, or outside, your favorite watering hole.
Marjayasana: Position stimulates the midriff area and the spinal column.
Halasana: Excellent for back pain and insomnia
Sal ambhasana: Great exercise to stimulate the lumbar area, legs, and arms.
The age of communications!
According to The Wall Street Journal, Compaq is considering changing the command PRESS ANY KEY to PRESS RETURN KEY because of the flood of calls asking where the ANY KEY is. It should, of course, be located right next to the FUCK IT key.
A Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by soaking it for a day in hot, soapy water, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer apparently "couldn't find printer", despite having turned the computer screen to face the printer.
But let's not forget...
The original point and click interface was a
But they're no good without ammunition, which is where Preparation H bullets come in handy.
(courtesy of Toni Rocco)
More exciting new products!
Something for boot lickers! Edible shoe cream - yummy!
Sometime later this year, US taxpayers may again receive an Economic Stimulus Payment. The Obama Administration is very excited about this new program. Let me try to explain to you how it works using a simple Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the
If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
If you buy a computer, it will go to
If you buy fruit and vegetables, it will go to
If you buy a car, it will go to
If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to
If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in
1 Spending it at yard sales, or
2 Going to ball games, or
3 Spending it on prostitutes, or
4 Beer or
These are the only American businesses still operating in the
So, I suggest you go to a ball game and drink beer with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale.(Many thanks to June Taylor for passing this on).
The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
More creepy cakes
Back from the Island!
Well, we had a great time in the
Here I am, having a ball at the UK MOBILE PHONE THROWING CHAMPIONSHIP.. Begun in 2004, this year’s event was held at the Battersea Park Athletics Track. Anyone can enter and the rules are simple: just hurl the wretched thing as far as you can. They’ll even give you a phone to throw, if you don’t have one of your own that pisses you off sufficiently. (For more on this event, see www.8thdayuk.com).
And it was much cleaner and more comfortable than trying to beat the world record in BOG SNORKELLING!
This takes place every August 27 in the Welsh town of
But things can get depressing...
As they did recently for George Farthing, an expatriate Brit living in America, who was diagnosed as clinically depressed, tanked up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial Shock Therapy when doctors realized he wasn't depressed at all - only British.
Mr Farthing, whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system. Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation - a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it's trains arriving late, England's chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams. "The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological," reported the doctors.
"They put me on everything - Lithium, Prozac,
Psychotherapist Dr Isaac Horney explored Mr Farthing's family history and couldn't believe his ears. "His story of a childhood growing up in a gray little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team that never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather - how miserable and cold it was in winter and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn't responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action - namely ECT or shock treatment".
"I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent," said Mr Farthing. "I remember her saying 'Oh my God, I think we're making a terrible mistake'."
Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy giving her an understanding of the British psyche. "Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances," she explained to the baffled
pathological at all."
Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from 'clinical depression' to 'rather quaint and charming' and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly colored leaflets and an "I love
More from Doctor Chang!
And here he is again by popular demand to answer readers' questions: It’s everybody’s favorite Oriental physician, Dr. Chang. His medical advice has become so popular it’s hard to keep up with his fan mail.
Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Dr. Chang: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine. That means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Dr. Chang: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Is chocolate bad for me?
Dr. Chang: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
Dr. Chang: Hey! “Round” is a shape!
Astounding Medical Facts!
Bet you didn't know that a 20-minute nap can improve your overall alertness, boost your mood, increase your productivity and make your employer happy!
William Anthony, co-author of The Art of Napping at Work - this is no joke, this guy actually bothered to write a book about the topic and even got it published, (Larson Publications, 1999). His co-author seems to have had the good sense to remain anonymous!
Anyway, according to Mr. Anthony, the post-nap boost can last for several hours. In addition, your heart apparently reaps benefits.
In a six-year study of Greek adults, researchers found that men who took naps at least three times a week had a 37% lower risk of coronary-related death.
I don't suppose this had anything to do with the fact that those same Greek men didn't pig out on fatty foods washed down with plenty of beer like many of their US counterparts.
Then, don't forget, 43,7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
78% of those same researchers confirmed in a ten minute study that drinking alcohol actually gives you the same benefits as doing yoga! And here is the proof!!
SAVASANA: Position of total relaxation
BALASANA: Position that brings the sensation of peace and calm.
Exciting new products!
Once again It’s back to
In the 18th and 19th centuries, sideshow carnivals known as "misemono" were a popular form of entertainment for the sophisticated residents of Edo (present-day
The sideshows featured a plethora of educational and entertaining attractions designed to evoke a sense of wonder and satisfy a deep curiosity for the mysteries of life. One popular attraction was the PREGNANT DOLL.
Although it is commonly believed that these dolls were created primarily to teach midwives how to deliver babies, evidence suggests they were also used for “entertainment”.
One of the most demented playthings ever devised must be this super hairy SHAVE THE BABY doll, pictured here on the right.
Created with added bushy tufts of bright ginger hair protruding from her ankles, armpits, and most disturbingly, her pubic region, kids are supposed to enjoy shaving it off.
In comparison, the new ORIGAMI TOILET PAPER (below) is pretty tame and will provide hours of fun and edu-tertainment for the whole family.
Forgotten that Sports Illustrated or serious newspaper? Don’t despair! With Origami TP you can spend hours on the pot, learning new paper-folding techniques
The Age of Communications...
This says it all.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Likewise, when everything is coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane.
It's the Silly Season!
Black Pudding Hurling!
Celebrating the ancient rivalry between Lancashire and Yorkshire, the Black Pudding (also known as “blood pudding”) Hurling Contest - held at the
The Extreme Ironing World Championship began in
More than a century old, the dangerous sporting event of Cheese Rolling takes place every year on Cooper’s Hill,
Gold medal winner Caster Semenya is furious at having to take a gender test.
She said, "After my success on the track, this comes as a right kick in the bollocks!"
As you can see, I’ve been letting myself go somewhat over the summer. The good news is that I can still float.
... although I can’t get out the door at Weight Watchers!
This can’t go on, I thought, so I went to see Doctor Chang.
Medical advice from Dr. Chang
And here’s more from Dr. Chang, to clear up some of those misconceptions we may have about health, diet and exercise.
How can I calculate my body-fat ratio?
Dr. Chang: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Dr. Chang: Can't think of a single one, sorry.
Are fried foods bad for you?
Dr. Chang: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're drenched in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Is swimming good for your figure?
Dr. Chang: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Can’t afford new swim-wear? Here’s a fresh way to turn around that old bathing suit, a real attention-grabber at the beach.
For those of us “on the go”, Dr. Chang recommends some nourishing, fast-food delicacies from his homeland. Guaranteed to keep you slim. Just pop the lid and tuck in!
Canned Silk Worm Pupae. Delicious on toast. Or Roasted Crickets - with eggs.
Astounding medical facts!
The average person expels flatulence 14 times a day!
This means I know a lot of above-average people
The Age of Communications - mouse problems
Exciting new products!
Why relax when you could be sweeping the floor? Here’s a new product that’s sweeping the nation - and lets you do both at the same time!
The brand new CLEANING SLIPPERS from Slipper Genie. A big hit with busy,
And this GIANT REMOTE CONTROL below is really super. No more squinting at those tiny little buttons. You can set this thing on the coffee table and change channels with your elbow, or any appendage of your choice.
And you can use both products at once - like me!
Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.
Your shit-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers.
You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while shagging.
Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.
Children of the Corn!
This is what one of our more creative local grafitti artists has to say about it all..
These are the feet that are the reason for my discontent. One of them is still pointy and triangular. And it’s going to stay that way.The other little blighter has had me hobbling around on crutches for the last six weeks.
And it’s footwear like this that is the cause of my sorrow!! Ladies, be warned!
Slaves to fashion!
By special request (male), here are some more of those screen-printed, Japanese skirts. Perfect for the office...
Or just a trip to the supermarket!
Health care reforms!
But while we’re sort of on the subject of medical care, hospitals and health in general, here is some news from the American Medical Association and its members’ comments on President Obama’s proposed health care reforms:
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all laboring under a misconception. Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. The Pathologists yelled, “Over our dead bodies!” while the Pediatricians thought everybody should just grow up.
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. The Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons wanted to put a whole new face on the matter.
The Podiatrists considered it a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. The Anaesthesiologists thought the idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in
So, what with one thing and another, I’m inclined to put my faith in Chinese Medicine. And here is Dr. Chang, available to answer questions for all my readers.
Is is true that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life?
Dr. Chang: Your heart is only good for so many beats - and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer. That's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruit and vegetables?
Dr. Chang: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables! So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
More on nutrition
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after so many conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans and Brits.
Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is obviously what kills you.
The Age of Communications
Reader June Taylor has just had her bathroom re-modelled to ensure that she never misses a call or in-coming email.
It’s added a whole new dimension to “going on-line.”
The Joys of Flight!
My pal Justin Lucas had a nightmare trip to report flying ALITALIA from Berlin to Mumbai with a stopover in Milan - where the plane sat for 6 hours on the runway due to a technical glitch. All the passengers were finally hauled off the aircraft and forced to wait another 11 hours in the airport before continuing the outbound journey on another plane.
The return flight was apparently no better. The aircraft sat on the Mumbai runway, making 6 false starts (each time blowing a fuse for the auxiliary power) before it finally took off and landed in
Our old favorite, UNITED AIRLINES has this pretty solid reputation for trashing baggage, especially when marked “fragile”.
Check out this link for singer/songwriter Dave Carroll’s sad (and very funny) tale of his busted
Exciting new product for the upwardly mobile!
Leo (July 23 - Aug 22)
You think yourself a natural born leader, but you’re actually just an arrogant shit.
Everyone thinks you’re a conceited asshole and a bully.
You talk too much and are allergic to criticism.
More naughty trees!
And here's another depressing thought:
Some days you're the bug and others the windshield.
But enough bitching from me for another month.
Let's hear what cheeses you off.
Remember - all whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com
Happy Independence Day!
And it’s a Happy Independence Day to you all. Especially to my American readers!
As for us Brits, we traditionally celebrate 4th July by flushing a teabag down the toilet.
And here we are doing that very thing.
Easter bunny update!
In case you’ve been wondering about all those sad, defunct Easter bunnies, who’ve been doing themselves in. This is where we bury them.
And for the ones who don’t conveniently top themselves, this recently-revived, steam-driven bunny-hunting machine does the job most effectively.
The Age of Communications!
And while we're on the subject, suicide is never easy.
But the brand new Office Assistant from Microsofts Office 2009 will help you draft that suicide note youve been grappling with.
I was taken to task by reader Kai Mickley for my geographic inaccuracies about the annual Eurovision Song Contest.
Slobogostan and Lower Zscernwcysk had to withdraw at the last minute this year due to the outbreak of war: Lower Zscernwcysk wanting to reunite with Upper and
(And many thanks to Martha Duff for pointing this out)
Casting shows - a flash in the pan?
Hot on the heels of voting for Germanys next Top Model, Pop Idol, Best Survivor, Worst Driver, Lousiest Mechanic, Fattest Viewer, Best Inventor, together with reality shows focusing on Wife Swapping, Home Redecorating, gay guys dressing straight dudes, and various coaches and counsellors tormenting juvenile delinquents live on TV, among a plethora of others equally mindless if not downright sadistic, Germanys TV networks have just launched some choice new product. Here are the top three exciting new programs:
This is not a joke. 15 Crimpers compete before a jury of their utterly obscure and cretinous peers from the hairdressing world, as pictured here on the right.
Nor is RTL - who has a lot to answer for after inflicting BIG BROTHER on
The shows host Til Schweiger (one of Germanys "biggest stars) and acting coach Bernhard Hiller serve as permanent judges, joined every week by a third and equally obscure juror. Famous guests include lots more people youve never heard of.
But public broadcaster ZDF, after choosing pop idols and top models, is not to be outdone and its latest show "Ich kann Kanzler" ("I can be Chancellor") hosted by Steffen Seibert, takes the cake, actually offering winners the chance to run the country.
Viewers can watch the cheap and cheesy videos submitted by six finalists, who outline their political agendas. Current favourite is 18-year old Delano Osterbrauck of Munich - who bears a startling resemblance to Barack Obama - and spouts meaningful slogans like "Harness the strengths of all our citizens."
40 out of the 2,500 contestants were selected to come to Bonn, where each one made a brief speech in the old Bundestag (German Parliament) before a panel of 3 judges composed of a politician, a TV talk show host, and a comedienne: All superbly qualified, Im sure you will agree, to choose the next government leader in the countrys forthcoming elections on September 27.
As the TV networks obviously seem to be scraping the barrel here, I thought of a few new concepts for tasteless shows that would provide terrific entertainment.
Exciting new products!
Who needs their heads to flop forwards dozing off in the subway. Here’s the ideal solution. Some caps are even fitted with a small lamp under the brim, so you can read as well!.
Noodles too hot? Get this nifty noodle fan. Just clip it straight onto your chopsticks!
And once again, it’s the latest from
In case you were wondering, these posteriors are actually screen-printed onto the skirts!
But why pay extra, when you can let your own ass hang out?
The Terrors of flight
There’s not much amusement value I can contribute about the airlines this month and can only suggest that we travellers do our best to avoid the Airbus.
Two of them have gone down in less than four weeks, the most recent being the Yemenia Yemen Airways Airbus A310 (Flight Y626) en route from Sana’a in Yemen to the Comoros Islands, which crashed in the Indian Ocean on June 30, with only one survivor out of the 142 passengers and 11 crew onboard. Although bad weather is believed to have been the main cause of the crash, serious concerns about this particular aircraft were raised by French transport authorities following safety checks in 2007. But, as always, it takes a true disaster to get anybody’s attention. The A310 went into service 19 years ago and had accumulated 51,900 flight hours. Basically, it should not still have been in the air.
Turbulence is also purported to be one of the major causes of the June 1 crash of Air France Flight 447 - an Airbus A330 - in the Atlantic, en route from Rio to Paris, resulting in the loss of 228 lives; although no one will probably know for sure as the black boxes are unlikely ever to be found.
French investigators have said, however, that the airspeed sensors had been feeding inconsistent readings to the cockpit. Conflicting airspeed data can cause the autopilot to shut down and in extreme cases, the plane to stall or fly dangerously fast, possibly causing a high-altitude break-up. But this is still conjecture. Airbus and Air
“There’s really no link between these two accidents,” said an Airbus spokesman. As well he might.
But enough from me for another month. As the global employment market seems to be going down the toilet, I thought this cartoon was appropriate.
No matter how tacky your job - be glad you've still got one!
Meanwhile, I'm sure you've got plenty to bitch about, so let's hear it. All whining is welcome on what-pisses-me-off.com.
Geraldine LB July 3, 2009
(Many thanks this month to Jayney Klimek for providing the Japanese innovations!)
Greetings from Frankfurt!
As you can see from these shots of the city centre, downtown
If you look closely at the 2nd photo, you will see a rare sight: a solitary worker (with an orange vest) on the far left.
But all in all,
But for those of us who still have some cash to invest and are determined to see the present financial meltdown as an unexpected opportunity, here are some useful definitions for the amateur investor:
Broker: Poorer than you were last year.
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Call Option: Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.
Cash Flow: The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
Institutional Investor: Day trader who's locked up in a nut house.
Liquidity - Liquid, i.e. alcohol, plus stupidity. The necessary qualifications for investing in Internet stocks.
Market Correction: The day after you buy stocks.
Momentum Investing: The fine art of buying high and selling low.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants when the market crashes.
Standard & Poor: Your life in a nut shell.
Stock split: When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Straddle - What you do to celebrate after launching your own IPO (involves two French girls and a lot of champagne)
The Joys of Flight!
According to the airline, passengers who are too large to fit into a single seat, buckle the seatbelt, or unable to put down the armrests, will be forced to buy a second ticket or upgrade to a premium class, where the seats are larger. If a flight is full and an obese passenger is unable to buy another seat, they will be bumped from the flight.
A United spokeswoman told the Chicago Tribune that the airline decided to implement the policy after getting "more than 700 complaints last year from passengers; 'who did not have a comfortable flight because the person next to them infringed on their seat.'
United employees at
Let's face it, they must be difficult to spot!
(news item courtesy of the Huffington Post).
Fight the Flab!
And I owe it all to:
ACAI X 3 - The
supplement your body needs!
The blurb goes on to say:
"Native to the Amazon Rain Forest, this ACAI Berry super food is packed with a combination of antioxidants and amino acids which naturally work together to help the body burn fat more efficiently."
But what's cool is the FREE TRIAL SIZE you get with every order of PEPTOBIMBO: liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception, or DUMBEROL which, when taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in a sudden penchant for country music and tattooed truckers.
MEDICAL WARNING: This product will make you realize that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
The Age of Communications!
Gemini (May 23 - June 22)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual.
You are inclined to expect too much for too little, which makes you a cheap bastard.
Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.
Exciting new products!
How often have you been marooned in a public toilet without paper? Well, here's the solution - straight from
Tired of sleeping alone?
This nifty product will give you that feeling of warmth and security without somebody else taking up half the bed.
And from the
Yes, guys, It's CRACK SPACKLE.
Another step towards world peace
This year's winner was Alexander Rybak of Norway, whose song FAIRYTALE - little better than any of the rest, quite honestly - obviously touched a chord with more than 100 million viewers watching the hours-long event in horrified fascination "live" per satellite from Moscow's Olympic Indoor Arena on May 16th.
As Europe seems to be getting larger by the minute - in fact, every time I get back it seems as if some new and unpronounceable territory has joined the Union, happily exchanging their Dogovian Slotniks for the Euro (currently 150 million Slotniks to the Euro) - 42 nations took part this year, some of which you are as unlikely to have heard of as you are to visit - at least if you know what's good for you. FYR Macedonia, for example, or
The general euphoria was unfortunately tarnished by the arrest of a group of gay rights protesters right outside the door, while
Despite this, there were some poignant moments and worthy - if unrealistic - sentiments, such as Israel's appeal for harmony and understanding with Palenstine in its entry entitled There Must Be Another Way.
So in a nutshell, the forecast is Sunni in parts, but mostly Shiite
P.E.D. (Post Easter Depression)
I didn’t manage to wish you all a Happy Easter - what with being on the road from Sea to Shining Sea, with all kinds of communication problems. But I hope all my readers had a jolly and relaxing time.
I am sad to announce that, once again after the holiday, there have been some further cases of PED on the part of all those fluffy little Easter bunnies, who can’t face the thought of being redundant for another year and just don’t want to live anymore.
As you can see below, some of them have found the most inventive - and gruesome - ways of putting an end to it all.
(More of this can be found in Andy Riley's THE BOOK OF BUNNY SUICIDES published by Holder & Stoughton)
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Shopping in New York!
No one who knows me well - and admires my elegance and impeccable dress sense - will be surprised to discover that I shop for most of my clothes at these two shops in
Not forgetting the groovy place in
Which I certainly have been using lots of just lately, what with my new weight-loss plan..
Flush the Flab!
As you can see, I'm making phenomenal headway.
In six weeks, I’ve flushed away more than 150 lbs of excess
waste - that's almost the weight of 2 complete people! - with
PHENTREMINE CIV-XR (as advertised on TV!), and can’t wait to rip off my clothes and show off my skinny new ass at
But I’ve also been paying attention to my diet: eating plenty of:
Washed down with masses of:
The Age of Communications!
I’ve just made this new addition to my PC keyboard and it’s amazing just how often I use it.
And I can also recommend Microsoft’s new HELP WIZARD on the right..
Ever since I updated to super-ultra-turbo-high-speed Internet (8,000 GB per nanosecond), everything has slowed down by at least 300%. How do you explain that? I guess this means I’ll have to call "Dave" on the Mumbai helpline for 30 million Rupees a nanosecond.
Taurus (April 23 - May 22)
You are practical and persistent.
You have a dogged determination and work like hell.
You prevail in most arguments because you are stubborn and bull-headed, but are basically full of bullshit.
You are an unimaginative idiot.
.. and speaking of bullshit...
It’s important in life to reach out, to strive for greater achievements.
To go for that greener grass that is always on the other side of the fence.
But sometimes you can reach too far!
So when you find yourself over-extended and you're stuck in a situation that you can't get out of, there is one thing you should remember... Your Government is always there to help you!!!!
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. It goes downhill from there.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed.
Exciting New Products!
For those of us who find flipping bacon over in the frying pan just too tiresome, here’s a nifty little item - as seen on TV, of course..
You just hang your bacon over this rack thing and throw it in the microwave, or oven, or flush it down the toilet, or something.
Now I've been waiting a long time for one of these. Coz there's little that pisses me off more than child-proof or hermetically-sealed packaging. Be it bottles of aspirin where you have to line up the arrows in the middle of the night with a hangover, or pills welded into aluminum foil that has to be carefully peeled off at the edges and pulled back and which I always end up violently attacking with a sharp knife or pair of scissors, which are likewise hermetically-sealed when you buy them. My God, I feel my blood rising!! Anyway, this little number is guaranteed to open any package whatsoever. Providing you can get it open. It comes, needless to say, hermetically sealed!
The Joys of Flight!
And this month’s Airline Misery Award goes to German Lufthansa!
Thanks to Lufthansa’s pitiful service at Frankfurt airport, I was recently able to miss my flight to
So, imagine my joy 2 weeks later to discover that, according to Lufthansa "general terms of carriage", my return flight had automatically been canceled. Apparently this is standard procedure for passengers who have failed to take the outbound flight. Worth another 100 misery points, at least.
Unfortunately, these "general terms and conditions" - about 300 pages of tiny print which everyone should read for their own edification - seem to be in direct violation of a ruling by the Frankfurt District Court in 2006, prohibiting an airline’s automatic cancellation of a return flight in just these very circumstances. I think that's worth another 100 misery points, don't you? Which makes Lufthansa our current record holder with a total of 300 misery points!
So, I paid twice for a Frankfurt/Berlin return trip and ended up taking the train. An incredibly comfortable, four-hour trip from city centre to city centre, with no hassle, no security control, no cavity search, coffee delivered to my comfy seat, thanks to the Deutsche Bundesbahn - which I should have considered doing in the first place!
My advice to domestic passengers traveling in
Fight the Flab!
As you can see, I’ve been making some progress.
This is down to Ultra Acai
But exercise is important, too.
That’s why you girls should think about acquiring this brand new sex toy advertised as: "Mind-blowing orgasms with the Jack Rabbit vibrator - I mean, how could you resist?
It should keep you hopping around the bedroom getting plenty of exercise.
By next month, I hope to get into these jeans.
Scams of the month!
It’s been a busy month for the scammers, if I’m anything to go by. Got back from the
About 10 minutes later, I’m opening the mail and find a bunch of accumulated bills from my mobile service provider (Debitel, who prefers to remain anonymous). On each of which an extra $15 had been added for "total costs for external services". What services? I asked myself. And Debitel, too, for that matter, when I called the help line. (Needless to say, they kept me hanging on for about 40 minutes at $50 a second, before picking up.)
Debitel couldn’t say, unfortunately, but advised me to contact the external service provider directly, who would give me the details. Neither could Debitel cancel aforesaid external service, which had to be canceled with the provider of same. Debitel did not balk, however, at adding the costs of these unknown services from their unknown provider to my bill and subsequently deducting the money from my bank account. When I protested about this, I was told that it was to be found in Debitel’s "general terms and conditions". At the bottom of page 874, I believe. I did, of course, request confirmation - like, something in writing - attesting to the fact that I had ordered such services (and from whom). Unfortunately, they could not provide that, either.
So, I called my bank to cancel Debitel's direct debit authorization. But the bank can’t do that, apparently. Only Debitel can. Once you have granted direct debit authorization to a vendor or service provider, only that party can cancel it! You can, of course, cancel each individual payment that is debited when you spot it on your statement. But you only have a certain time in which to do it, and you’ve got to keep on your toes. If you’re on the road and can’t contact your bank, you’ve lost the money!! The beat goes on - but I’ll save the next exciting episode in this long tale of woe for next month.
Sometimes I wonder how much better a world we could be living in, if man’s boundless enterprising spirit and creativity when it comes to fraud could be directed into positive channels - like saving the planet and stuff. Don’t you?
Exciting New Products!
”Suppose you were an idiot… And suppose you were a member of Congress… But I repeat myself.” (Mark Twain)
The Age of Communications...
I thought I'd pass on this notification from Adobe.
I thought I'd pass on this notification from Adobe.
Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22)
You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads.
You are quick to reprimand, impatient and full of advice.
You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with.
You are an asshole.
And for those born on February 29th of a leap year, there’s a special astrological sign.
Feces (Feb. 29)
As you only have a birthday once every four years, you are unable to grow up and mature like other people.
You like diving and swimming.
Normal behavior for a piece of shit. .
Pongos of the month!
Greetings from LA - again!
Everything must go!
There’s nothing like a “Closing Down Sale”, garage or car boot sale, and the possibility of acquiring some "free shit", to get US consumers out on the street and lining up three-deep outside a store for hours, in the hopes of buying something cheap that they never wanted in the first place.
And so it was the other weekend with “
No sooner did the announcement hit TV screens that the electronics chain was going out of business than the lines started forming. Two armed security guards stood watch outside the store, admitting customers one at a time after an ID check and cavity search.
Needless to say, a blend of curiosity and masochism drove me to take my place in the line. I mean, if it wasn't for security checks, I wouldn't have any sex life at all.
The Joys of Flight!
This month's Misery Award has to go to US Airways, whose plane recently collided with a flock of geese or two - and thus goosed its way down on the Hudson, dunking its planeload of 155 passengers in freezing cold water. On the other hand, they all survived and there were few, if any, injuries, so the airline gets 50 plus points for for the heroic expertise of its pilots.
Prior to this dramatic event, it looked like another outright win for Delta Airlines, for the second month running - this time, in collaboration with Air France. Reader Chris Palmer got royally jerked around by both airlines, who were splitting a transatlantic flight. They passed the buck back and forth, resulting in no one taking any responsibility. Ergo: he missed his flight and lost his baggage. Ten misery points each!
As you can see, I’ve been letting myself go a bit lately. Not helped, of course, by the Xmas holiday food-overload.
Not only is it unsightly, but this sudden weight gain has also led to some serious problems in my sex life.
My partner is not happy. .
Don’t forget, Alison of Bare Ass, Nebraska
Meanwhile, I'm off to get some professional advice...
Although they really don't make it easy for you out here.
But it's not all homemade ice cream and pie kitchens. There are lots of elegant, designer restaurants, like this one the left, for example..
A postage-stamp portion of “black linguini with honey-roasted shrimp on a bed of arugula with white asparagus, sesame croutons and a drizzle of raspberry vinaigrette”, for instance, cost about a $500, tasted like cardboard - although it was prettily arranged on the plate - and the service was nothing to write home about either, apart from the waiter’s cute Italian accent.
On the other end of the scale, you can go to any of the multitude of fast-food dives and get KFC, pancakes, a burger, or a mile-long, toasted submarine sandwich with everything on it - and dripping with 38 different kinds of melted cheese - for about $2.50. The only way to eat it, of course, is over the sink. According to a TV ad I just saw, “Domino’s oven-baked sandwiches beat Subways 2 to 1 in all national taste tests” – so I guess they must be really good.
I like to cook when I can. And as I like good, healthy ingredients, I shop at Whole Foods. Every item only costs $20 more than anywhere else, and tastes pretty much the same.
But for those of us watching our weight, my local Whole Foods (on 5th and Wilshire) is a blessing: it must be the most unattractive supermarket in the world.
No matter how hungry I am when I go in, I can never find anything even vaguely appetizing.
Today, I went in for some chicken and came out with a pair of reading glasses, so there you are.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
Spam Alert! - Fight the Spam-Scammers!
And here's the ultimate scam. A group purporting to fight the Spam Scammers. See this email below from - where else - but Nigeria.
“I believe you all know what scam is all about. We are Global scam fighters. We are on Internet to inform every one who has been a scam victim that their is an opportunity for them to get back their Money. We are present in africa now to fight scammers and to recover back our lost money to africans."
"We encourage any one that has fall victim to co operate with this commission to help them get back their money. All we need is your reply then you brief us how the transaction was made then we will carry on with our investigation. Be rest assured that your money will get back to you within 6 days. you must trust us to trust you okay. Secretary General - If you had sent money to Africa you have a chance to take them to court because 1 of them had been caught..if you lost money or win deaf lottery, contact us quick or chat at yahoo messenger. reply back to this email: email@example.com."
Just chick here to see it in action: Choking Chicken
Here is the most ridiculous gift you are ever likely to see.
4. It finally stops.
5. Pour yourself another drink and repeat steps 1-4.
The age of communications...
My cell phone fell apart the other day, stuck together with Scotch tape as it was. So I went shopping for a new one. Unfortunately I couldn’t get a new phone from my mobile service provider as I had just stupidly renewed my contract for another 80 years for no discernible benefits – but that’s another story for another time.
Believe it or not, I’ve been looking for a “dumb” phone. You know; the kind you used to use to just call people and maybe access voice mails. I don’t need a mobile entertainment center with “jamba”, samba, mamba, rumba, or any other kind of Latin American dance packages. No games, nor instant Internet connection when you accidentally press the wrong key. I don’t need 780 different ring tones with dancing frogs or puking hamsters, or email access; nor do I want to watch the latest Hollywood blockbuster on the tiny screen, or see my favourite sports team, TV soap, or any porn either, for that matter. I don’t need a 35 megapixel camera with a 100x digital zoom, 6-hour video recording, mp3 player, Am/FM radio, disco lightshow, toaster, baby alarm, RSS reader, portable X-ray machine, burglar alarm, diet plan, navigation system, dialysis machine, or integrated sex toy. I just want to be able to make a wretched phone call without being instantly connected to the Web Browser for $1,000 a minute.
I don’t want to chat on MyCase, ButtFace, SpaceBook, GlueTube, Twatter, or any other social network. I don’t want to flirt online, play Jeopardy or strip poker, or take part in any quizzes, contests, phone sex, or beam anything to anybody anywhere at any time. I don’t need smileys, pod-casts, jingles, templates, pop songs, psychedelic screensavers, clip art libraries, or videos. I don’t need Bluetooth, infra-red, or quad-band, nor do I need 38 security settings with separate pin numbers (all of them case sensitive), or a barium enema. I just want to make a fucking phone call… Is that asking too little?
Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be creative, which means you lie a great deal.
You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you do not pay attention to anyone and never take advice.
This makes you an idiot.
Everyone thinks you smoke lots of dope.
You may remember my last month's horoscope for Capricorn.
I wrote: There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus)."
Michael Levine has this to say: "According to biblical scholars, Jesus was most likely born in March. (Shepherds don't tend their flocks in 'fields where they lay' in mid-winter in the Middle East, among many other clues) So, Capricorns are actually complete losers.
This month's Pongo
Here's an extraordinarily rude pongo that only grows in California.
And this ingenious self-squeezing orange!
The Joys of Flight!
As many of you are planning to travel over the holidays, I want to announce the winner of this month's Airline Misery Award!
It goes to Delta Airlines with a total of 20 Misery Points!
10 points for their persistence in losing your luggage and another 10 for the great snacks provided to passengers flying domestic.
This snack on the left was served as sustenance on a 6 hour flight from LA to New York - at a cost of $5.
Tequila Xmas Cake
Here's a really neat recipe for the holidays! Bake and enjoy!!
You will need:
1 cup water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup brown sugar
4 large eggs
1 bottle tequila
2 cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the Tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
If you drop a bag of lentils on the kitchen floor, you will keep finding them forever!
Xmas Spam for All Your Friends!
Why send Christmas cards, when you can send out your very own Spam! Without even knowing it, too! Imagine my surprise to find that I had sent myself - and probably everybody I know - an email with the headline: “Set Your Wife on Fire!” Needless to say, I opened it - thinking it was a neat arson suggestion and, after all, the sender was hardly unknown to me - and there it was: an ad for “D-Large”, a brand new product to make you extra hard, extra long, extra large, and so forth.
Wondering how people could hijack my email address to make virus-filled spam look like it's coming from me, I googled the topic to find that it really is easy and anybody can do it! Email has no built-in verification of who is sending it. This means that any person can send an email that appears to come from any address. You don’t need special tools, just a basic knowledge of email headers. (My email was hosted by a server in Poland.) And if you’re on the receiving end, apparently there is nothing you can do about it. Isn’t that jolly?
The perfect Xmas gift!
Xmas fun for young and old! It's the POO-POOING REINDEER!! (Given to me by Seastian Betzold). It comes complete with chocolate chips that you load into its backside, so it can poop them out!
And for the Man in Your Life there's this nifty PALM PILOT.
The batteries last ages.
Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.
You are basically chickenshit.
There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (apart from Jesus).
You should kill yourself.
As another year draws to a close, I want to thank you all for the super emails you have forwarded to me over the past year with special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But this will change once I receive the $25,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 guardian angels.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes. Otherwise I will break out in boils and die a horrible death.
I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains, as well as taking off my nail polish from the inside.
I no longer go to shopping malls in case somebody drugs me with a food sample and steals my handbag.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
I dare not use anyone else's toilet because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt. Or in case a giant mutant alligator crawls up out of the sewage system, where it has been skulking for centuries, to drag me into the bowels of the earth.
I can't even pick up the ten bucks I found lying in the car park because it was probably put there by a crazed ax murderer waiting under the car to grab my leg and hack me to death.
If you don't send this email to at least 86,000 people in the next 5 minutes, a huge vulture with diarrhoea will let loose and follow you to the grave!
Beverly Hills tightens its belt!
Even here in sunny California, people are feeling the pinch. And many have been forced to rethink their advertising campaigns to boost business.
While others are consolidating and expanding their service range. Like this beauty salon (right), which has now combined facial waxing with fortune telling.
Unfortunately closed due to "unforeseen circumstances".
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
I Want a Bailout!
Ironically enough, the 2008 LA Auto Show, advertised as one of the most exciting events of the year and doubtless at a phenomenal cost, is taking place at the LA Convention Center from Nov. 19-30 - with admission free for kids under 12! (Make of that what you will, but I see it as a sure sign that drivers will be getting considerably younger in the not-too-distant future!).
Apart from all the new cars on display - although there are plenty to be seen along the miles of deserted auto showrooms on Santa Monica Blvd.- there will even be some autograph sessions with the cast of "Pimp My Ride" and the Major League Soccer All-Stars, as well as an appearance by the LA Lakers!
No doubt the CEOs from the three major US automakers will also be leaping into their private jets to fly in from Detroit, hot on the heels of their recent, pitiful performance in Washington, where they appeared to beg Congress for a $25 bn. handout. Not only did they arrive in 3 separate luxury jets (from the same place), which put everybody's noses truly out of joint - described by one Congressional leader as "turning up at a soup kitchen in a top hat and tails." - but they didn't even have a business plan to present when they got there. In fact, no one is quite sure how they arrived at the figure of $25 bn. in the first place.
Well, I've been involved in various business ventures in my time and even I know that if I want to beg, borrow or steal a paltry $50K to open my own toilet-paper company, I have to turn up at the bank with a business plan as thick as a telephone directory (or a toilet roll), including circles and arrows and graphs and pie charts, some aerial photography and a cash plan together with an activity flow chart for the next 30 years. Maybe I should have tried approaching Congress....
|Although it's a month since Halloween, some of the locals are suffering from what is known as "Post-Halloween-Syndrome", an inability to remove your costume and re-assume your real identity. |
Particularly virulent outbreaks have been reported in West Hollywood, but Santa Monica has its own fair share of sufferers. As you can see from Darth Vader here on the left and his pal Mosquito Man on the right.
Back in Beverly Hills, some protesters are airing their views with no costumes at all. Especially if there's a camera in the vicinity.
While others have taken to the streets in mass demonstrations against Prop. 8, banning same-sex marriage.
New Product Announcement!
Here's the perfect gift just in time for Christmas, it's Pee & Poo! Order now and we'll throw in "Puke" for free!
Need more drawer space? Here's a nifty new piece of furniture where you can stash all those troublesome bits and pieces.
This month's Pongo and some rude growth!
Although this is not the phallic kind of Pongo I usually favor, you've got to hand it to the Japanese for creating these square, stackable melons.
And here we are back down to my usual level with this "butt tree".
Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.
You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent.
The majority of Sagittarians are drunks.
You are a worthless piece of shit.
Words of Wisdom...
Nothing helps you forget your troubles like tight shoes.
Telecommunication, Spam & Viagra...
As this is how most people communicate these days, no serious bitching would be complete without some mention of telecommunication and Spam. Everybody you know seems to have at least 35 different email addresses and 18 phone numbers, although strangely enough, this does not make contact any easier. No one in the
Now, you can install a million firewalls, anti-virus programs and spam-blockers, which will only serve to slow down your PC, clutter up your hard drive, and make sure you can’t get in touch with anyone at all. But the SPAM will still slip through.
... a Hard View
A few months back, I wrote an amusing (I thought) little piece about all the glorious financial opportunities that were landing in my spam folder. You know the ones, the Spam Scams telling you about the lottery tickets you’ve won, the FedEx package that has just arrived in your name, employees of various banks who want you to help them get millions out of the country, the terminally ill wanting you to distribute their wealth to worthy causes because they don’t trust their families, etc., etc., all in a transparent attempt to access your bank account details and/or - if you are naïve enough to be hooked - get you to fork out a few hundred bucks for certain "processing fees".
These are some of the loglines:Good news, you have a package with Fed-Ex, Congratulations lucky winner, Future millionaires wanted, Important notice! and Greetings to you! (I find that one particularly ominous), International ATM Credit Settlement.
Then there are the educational prospects: A Radiology degree offers new career opportunities, A rewarding career begins with a degree, A brighter future starts with a medical billing degree, and Ever thought about getting into pharmaceuticals?
(Oh, boy, have I!).
But by far the most spam seems to revolve around erections or lack of same, which leads me to assume that the male erection, or lack of same, is a bigger problem than I had ever supposed. What used to be the relatively discreet Get your Viagra online has evolved into some very imaginative slogans, all of which seem to be aimed at the impotent American market: When the tool is hard life is good, How to control your ejaculations, Your pecker will grow by inches (why stop there? Why not yards?). This next one’s really weird: You can make your daughter groan girls from pleasure? (not composed by an English-speaker, surely?), Get bigger and harder erections, Want a king pecker?, Rock hard is the only result we give, Express size increase only with magic growth, Proud American!, Cheap method to increasing your erection, Boost your erection and sex life now, She will want to wrap her hands around your shaft (very graphic, that one). And my personal favorite: Put power in your pecker (short and to the point).
The number of websites and online pharmacies devoted to flogging comparatively priced Viagra and generic drugs to treat erectile dysfunction, like Cialis, Levitra, Tadalis, Meridia, Celebrex, and the Little Blue Pill, etc., is truly phenomenal. Wondering if this was a relatively recent development or if the problem had always been lurking in the male psyche, I tried to access some sales statistics, purported to be in billions, but came up against a stone wall. I shall, however, keep trying.
Meanwhile, I came across an article from 2001, reporting one of the first Viagra-related deaths, Mr. Kenneth Marsh of
What is certain, is that today more money is being spent on Viagra than on Alzheimer's research, which means that by 2040, there will a lot of old men with huge erections unlikely to remember what to do with them.
This Month's Pongo
And while we're on the subject, here is a strange crystalline rock formation from the Congo, submitted by one of my readers. And to the right, some hot new peppers.
Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22)
Yours is the worst sign of the Zodiac.You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.
You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.
You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.
The joys of travel!
IBERIA gets 10 points for the sheer wretchedness of their in-flight entertainment.
This relates, of course, to economy class. Should the in-flight movie be anything worth watching, then rest assured the headphone sockets will be faulty.
Santo Domingo Airport gets 10 points for bureaucracy. You not only have to take your shoes off at the security checkpoint (2 points), but you have to fill out all kinds of senseless forms - printed in Spanish in very tiny print with no pens in sight - before heading for the departure gate (8 points). These forms must be handed in about 20 seconds after you've filled them out. Note: None of the questions on this form are in any way applicable.
Madrid Barajas Airport gets this month’s top score of 20 points for the officiousness of their security people.
40 misery points altogether: an all-time record for one trip!
WARNING! That nice little bottle of rum you want to bring back to Europe from the Caribbean is a no-no.
New security regulations prohibit any liquid being taken into the EU in your hand luggage – even if it is purchased from the Duty Free Shop. This, of course, does not stop the duty free shop from selling it to you. On the other hand, it does provide a nice drop of plonk for the lads at Barajas airport after they confiscate it.
NOTE: Spanish officials do not speak English. They will tell you this even while you are chattering at them in Spanish. Those who know me will be surprised to hear that an English expletive escaped my lips, while my better half was clinging to the other end of the rum bottle, sobbing (after all it did cost $8). Suddenly bilingual, the Spanish official understood this word very well and I was almost carted away in chains. Ergo: It is best to avoid insulting Spanish officials in any language.
In case I forgot to mention it, last month's misery award went to British Airways and London Heathrow Airport.
Attention Readers: This looks like becoming a regular feature, so don't hesitate to submit your own tales of travel woe to see who will be the winner of this year's Misery Award!
Which brings us neatly to India. This is my Cousin Mark. He is wearing what every smart young man-about-town - with a sense of self-preservation - is wearing in Gujerat, India, these days.
If you look closely, you can see the family resemblance.
Mark had a lot to say about his recent stay in Vapi, a town which bears the rare distinction of being the most polluted place on the planet .Here are just a few of the things that pissed him off, in his own words:.
The Indian rail system. The stations smell like open sewers, and in fact some are just that. The rodents are as big as some of the paying customers, and were chewing on my sneakers during my only train trip to Baroda.
The Indian highway system: immense traffic jams caused by cows lying in the road. Along with dogs, goats, sheep, and water buffalo, which are very cute in their places... which do not include skinny medians on major highways. And it's illegal to move or even touch dead ones by the side of (or center of) the roadway. Oh yes, major highways - National Highway 8 runs/crawls/limps at least from Mumbai to Ahmedabad, and is still 1 lane each way in many places.
Of course, in India, lane markings are suggestions only...I have seen more hair-raising driving in the last 72 hours than anyone should experience in a lifetime.
Here's a question sneaked from the current Gujarat driver's test:
Always pass on:
A. The left
B. The right
C. The shoulder
D. The road, or somewhere near it
E.. A whim.
I guess this product is sort of self-explanatory.
Then there's this new bed from India.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and with his ascetic diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him .... A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
With the price of gas up to over $4 a gallon and rising, now's the time to give this slogan some serious consideration.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails","highballs" and just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink".
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO. (I want to thank Joan Wessel for this announcement)
CIALIS, Viagra's most serious competitor, which is increasing in popularity, has just produced a new TV ad, which is well worth watching.
Just click on this weblink! 36-hour Cialis
Cancer (June 23 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems, which makes you a pushover.
You are always putting things off. This is why you will always be a loser and your life won't be worth a shit.
You are overly fond of oral sex (OK, who isn't, but look at your sign, for heaven's sake!), which makes you a pervert. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.
This one's for the girls.
Having just done a movie review on Sex & the City – click on Movies to take a look - I thought it time to share some of the things that piss me off about fashion in general and shopping for clothes in particular.
1. Low-rise jeans that slide straight off your ass and take your knickers with them.
2. Low-rise “sports” socks that reach just high enough on the back of your ankle to conflict with your trainers and give you blisters. They are also inclined to slide right off your feet and bunch up in your shoes. What sport does one perform in these socks?
3. String panties or “tangas” as they like to call them in Germany. Best defined as anal dental floss.
4. Ludicrous shoes – like these “high rise” boots on the left t – straight from China - probably because Chinese ladies are so short..
5. Buying the right size. Clothes + shoe sizes seem to differ dramatically depending on country of manufacture or place of purchase. A UK shoe size 4 ½ is a 7 in the US, a 37 in Germany and a 23 ½ in Japan.
But you don’t even have to change countries to have problems. A pair of size 36 slacks were just right in Esprit, but too tight at H&M where I needed a 38, but miles too large in C&A where a 34 was just right. So work that one out.
Phallic pongos + vegeetation!
Parrots of the Caribbean...
Back from the Desert!
DUBAI - Before and After!
And before wasn't all that long ago either. An interesting place Dubai: unlimited prosperity and frantic growth. I visit the place about once every 5 years or so, just to giggle at the skyline and gawp at the economic progress. Dubai is ever expanding: upwards, downwards, sideways, inland , offshore; every which way.
A tourist paradise; a luxury shopping mall with sand round it - New York meets Disneyland in the desert - who am I to whinge about such apparent wealth and progress?
At a mild 36 degrees C - bear in mind it was only spring - in summer temperatures soar into the high 50s - you spend most of your time scuttling from one air-conditioned location to another. Mostly luxury hotels and shopping malls. I have never seen so many luxury shopping malls crammed into such a small area - and more are under construction. But this is understandable, I guess, because shopping is the national sport. (Dubai even hosts an annual Shopping Festival every Jan/Feb).
And you can find some real bargains too! A solid gold Rolex that would cost you $50,000 anywhere else, costs only $48,500 here!
But say what you will, it's got one helluva beach!
German gourmet delicacies!
Now that I'm back home in the Fatherland, I can finally pig out on some healthy German food!
This is known as a "currywurst". A sausage covered in curry powder and loads of glop.
Usually accompanied with "German" fries drowned in mayonnaise. I actually watched in horror as a friend of mine consumed one of these.
And for dessert!
And to wash it down..
Which brings us neatly to this month's perfect gift!
Yes, folks, it's RUDE ROVER - the amazing farting dog!
Both products courtesy of Jayney Klimek - vocalist extraordinaire!
But be that as it may...
Despite the occasional fast food lapse - Vive la difference!
This month's Pongos!
This pongo baby was sent in by Ryeland Allison (composer and musician par excellence).
I wonder what it will be when it grows up?
Also available by the bagful.
Wake up, wake up! It's Spring!
Yes, Spring is sprung, the grass is riz,
I wonder where that tortoise is!
It's that time of year when we take the tortoise out of its straw-filled box in the garage and set it out on the lawn to romp.
And this one was really going at our garden party last Sunday. It ate 3 tomato sandwiches and went through a whole pack of cigarettes.
I'm trying to get it to stop smoking.
I’ve tried every conceivable way to give up smoking:
Ear Acupuncture, where they stick a long needle into one ear and pull it out through the other. I found it so unnerving that I had to light up immediately.
A girlfriend (thanks, Debbie) recommended these pills that make you throw up every time you have a cigarette. After much practise, I can now puke and smoke at the same time.
A few months back, a colleague of mine – who claims to have been abducted by aliens a number of times (I don’t know if it was the same aliens, but they don’t seem to keep him for long) from the Mojave Desert (not the aliens, that’s where he was abducted from) - took me to a somewhat esoteric quit-smoking-therapist down in San Diego.I focused all my willpower (I don’t have a great deal), while gripping two metal electrode things (like the Scientologists use) for about half an hour, chanting “I will not smoke. I will not smoke.” After paying him $500, he gave me a complimentary bottle of “Pure Organic Noni Juice – Certified Kosher and Vegetarian” to sip, whenever I got the urge. It's tastes great while you're smoking. (FYI: This is otherwise known as “Organic Tahitian Morinda Citrifolia”).
Nicotine patches. These work – but only if you stick them over your mouth.
The Perfect Gift!
Last month's Deluxe Rubber Chicken was such a big hit that I have now acquired the European franchise.
So place your orders now!
Meanwhile, here are some unusual items that Germany has to offer..
That's right, folks, it's an Electronic Yodelling Pickle!
Limited Time Only Offer: Buy two and get the third one free!!!
Another Bunny Bites the Dust...
Sad news has just come in of another bunny suicide.
New Product Announcement!
The Coca Cola Corporation has come up with a way of adding a further healthy element to their hugely popular, toxic beverage.
Journalist Sebastian Betzold has started drinking Coca Cola "Light" plus Green Tea and recommends it highly .
Not only does it contain no calories to speak of, but the latest green tea miracle elixir has now been added to the mix - to rejuvenate your insides after they've been thoroughly scoured by the rest of the chemicals.
HOUSEHOLD TIP. Use coke to clean your toilet. Just pour some into the bowl, let it sit overnight and flush it away the next morning.
You'll be amazed!
Or you can try Jayney Klimek's favorite new soft drink that makes no pretensions.
Apart from the medical risks involved in smoking - you only have to look at European cigarette packets warning us that "Smoking kills" and "Smokers die younger", as well as a litany of all the other horrible things it can lead to, like impotence, infertility,bad breath, smelly feet, to name but a few - smoking is totally "out".
It is no longer cool to smoke!!!
But this wasn't always the case.
And who am I to argue with all those Camel-smoking doctors?
It wasn't all that long ago when we were bombarded with ads like this.
According to the latest US medical reports, chronic PED (or Post Easter Depression) is on the rise, and in some cases can even last until Christmas!
Easter bunnies are particularly prone, and have begun using nicotine as a means of combating this insidious complaint - often with fatal results.
The Perfect Gift!
Last month's Electric Martini Maker was so popular that readers have asked me to recommend more unusual gifts.
Here's a little something I picked up in a weird shop in New York and just couldn't resist. Unfortunately, I still can't find anyone to give it to.
Please note: This is not your average, run-of-the-mill rubber chicken.
As featured on the NBC TV series "30 Rock", this is a Deluxe Rubber Chicken!
It says so on the label.
Sick of being anorexic, I bought this Chuck Norris DVD so I could tone up at home and learn how to defend myself at the same time. I can highly recommend it. Thanks, Chuck!!!
What results! Here I am after only 2 weeks!!
Pongo of the Month!
This month's Pongo is from Turkey, where every vegetable is in danger of getting stuffed.
If it's not coming at us on the phone or out of the TV, then it's on the Internet, happily clogging up your Spam Folder. I got 3 emails in rapid succession, offering me some unbelievable opportunities!
The first was a WINNING NOTIFICATION from Mr. James Keegan of The National Lottery (sent from a hotmail address), announcing that I had just won a total of 1,532,720 GBP from the UK National Lottery online draw no. 1147! And I hadn't even purchased a lottery ticket! All he needed was my name, address and, of course, my bank account details...
The very next day, I got an email from Mr. Thomas James, (yahoo.uk) ostensibly from Portugal, sadly notifying me that he had just been diagnosed with esophageal cancer and only has a few months to live. A very rich man, he goes on to say that he regrets the wicked life he has led and to make amends wishes to donate $10 million to various charity organizations. Unfortunately, he cannot trust his family to collect and distribute these funds on his behalf, but has asked me - as he is obviously assured of my great, albeit anonymous, integrity - to assist him in this task. For which I get to keep 5%. Sounded like a load of hassle to me and, as I had just won over a million quid in the national lottery, I obviously didn't bother to reply.
But good things often come in threes. So it was with me, for the very next day, I got yet another email. This one from Mr. Michael Larson (gmail), who supposedly works in the packaging and courier dept. of London's HSBC Bank. He needs my help in transporting a package containing $20 million USD (in $100 dollar bills) out of the US into Europe. My cut is to be 30%. As I had already won over 1 mill quid in the National Lottery and was also expecting 5% of $10 mill for my charity work, I didn't respond.
And now, today, of all things, Julia Manda, Lottery Coordinator of HOT LOTTO (return email address: Johnykage2004@yahoo.com) has also sent me a winner notification announcing that I have just won $5.61 million on the Multi-state Lottery New Year Promo (once again, I had not even purchased a ticket), and it is waiting for me in the unclaimed winnings category Hot Ball 2. The sum will be transferred to me upon my meeting their "requirements".
I might just check this one out. At the same time as ordering a "wonder penis extension" (let's face it, mine could do with being a bit longer) and getting back to Natalya, who is offering me a "hot and heavy night to remember"...
Finding the ideal gift can be a real pain.
Here's the perfect present for the man who has everything!
New product announcement!
As prevention is better than cure, here's a great new product I found on my last trip to the US, although It's actually been around for a while.
Plagued by flatulence?
Do you blow off after every meal?
Do you have to open a window before eating a Chili?
You need BEANO!
Put an end to those embarrassing situations.
Sprinkle just a few drops on your food BEFORE you eat!
I used to be full of shit, but not anymore.
That's right, folks, I tried COLON CLEANSE.
Just click on the free trial offer and you too, can achieve your ideal weight.
Like me here on the right...
Easter Bunny exitus!
So what happens to the fluffy little bunnies after the holidays? After they have had their 15 mins. of fame and glory?
According to a recent survey, many of them fall into a deep depression and simply lose the will to live.
Now that Mike Huckabee is out of the presidential race, Chuck Norris can finally get back to his true calling - teaching us all how to defend ourselves and – “unleashing the warrior within” as spokesman for The Total Gym.
To help tighten up your "abs", "bis", "tris", "quads" "pecs", and any other monosyllabic muscle groups (hips, tits, butts?) that need toning. Great to have you back, Chuck!
And while we're on the subject of politics and Chuck Norris, let's not forget what this guy stands for.
So keep it up, Chuck!
I found a new product advertized on TV:
But never mind the NUTRISYSTEM Advanced Program that delivers a full 3 weeks of "rib-sticking meals" straight to your door.
I have been looking for something more traditional and time-tested.
And here it is, folks! Let TAPE WORMS do the work! You eat it first and they eat it later!For more details, just dial 800-877-WORM
You and Your Telephone
This brings us to something that pisses us off our reader Sam Jones (TV editor and musician). Namely ads that make you dial letters instead of numbers. He can never find them on the phone. Neither can I.
But worst of all has got to be the "Telephone Trees" which royally pisses off composer Michael Levine.
You know the drill: "Press 1 - if you want to extend your contract, Press 2 - if you want to order a new product. If you’re schizophrenic - press 1 AND 2. If you want to buy some marijuana - please press the hash key," etc. There is NEVER a number to press for your specific needs, which is why you are calling the buggers in the first place, so you can talk to a real person.
I recently went through the 5-step procedure when attempting to change a flight reservation with US Airways, who kept me hanging on for 45 mins. while bombarding me with pre-recorded commercials: A US Airways giftcard to "give the gift of wings", the beauty of Brussels, the glories of Venice, the joys of Vegas Palazzo Vacations, the gift miles program where I could buy up to 50,000 miles per transaction. Lifelock - the industry leader in ID-theft-protection (10% off and 1,000 bonus miles), and 1,500 miles when you join Netflix. The pitch went round 6 times before the battery on my wireless phone went dead.
I was so depressed last night I rang the Samaritans.
Got through to a call centre in
Told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could fly a plane...
The Joys of Flight!
Atli Öravsson (composer) hates taking his shoes off at the airport security checkpoints. Don't we all. We know it’s pointless.
But you can't trust anybody these days.
I am, however, glad to report that eyebrow tweezers are no longer considered to be weapons of mass destruction and will not be confiscated by the security people, although toe nail clippers are still a major issue at some airports.
But as I always say, if it wasn't for airport security, I wouldn't have any sex life at all!
Pongo of the Week!
That's it from me this time round. Just want to leave you with some rude vegetation.
Don't forget - all whining is welcome on
So let's hear it!
Greetings from New York!
Late night TV viewing with a beer in one hand and channel zapper in the other can be a dangerous and pricey business, as our anonymous reader writes:
I just bought a complete home gym, a robot vacuum cleaner, a super Swiffer duster, a free mobile phone providing I buy the stainless steel cork screw for $200, a 600-day supply of Ron Hubbard-approved-vitamin-deficiency-syndrome-and-improve-your-acting-skills homeopathic-dietary-supplement, a $199.99 guide to do-it-yourself acupuncture which includes a free one-month Medicare subscription, a self-esteem improvement kit including a "how to give something else up" guide for non-smokers.
And if you can resist the TV-sales channels, there's still no escape.
We get an average 30 calls a day from various telemarketeers punting everything from credit card subscriptions to telephone account upgrades, to how I can pay off my house in 5 to 7 years ( I don't own a house), to an urgent warning that the warranty on my vehicle has expired (I don't own a car).
I even got a call the other day from the National Campaign to Restore Morals and Values (I don't have any of those, either).
tt wouldn't be so bad, but these calls are coming through on my cell phone at a charge of $0.10 a minute per in-coming call!
Great big heaps of it that you trip over before somebody has the wherewithal to throw it all, unread, into the trashcan, which has been especially provided for the purpose.
And not only napkins.
Trash disposal is a big problem for the City of
Certain kinds of refuse must be placed in different color plastic bags (recyclable in blue, bio-degradable stuff goes in clear plastic bags and other sundry waste in big green bags) and then placed on the curbside for collection on specific days.
This regulation must likewise be enforced and there is a whole fleet of city officials to do the job:
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'.
Never mind the Big Apple! This must be the world's Biggest Burger!
And here are some good ideas for recycling...
And let's not forget the children!
Nor this week's Pongo!
I managed to find the only crappy Italian restaurant in North Beach. I obviously have a gift for that kind of thing.
But there were some interesting edibles to be found just across the street in Chinatown.
Like this dinosaur cake which, judging by the dust all over it, must have been sitting in the shop window since the early Jurassic.
The American public spent $1.8 billion on chocolate this Valentine’s Day!
Click here for your free trial of the COLON CURE! Flush away unwanted pounds in seconds.
Or this rival product pointed out by a reader who prefers to remain anonymous (I wonder why?):
Flush the Fat with "Internal Flush!"
"This consists of a series of treatments to get rid of colon blockage. According to the convincing guy presenting this, we all suffer (unbeknown to us) from our tubes and crevices being lined with waste in various stages of decomposition. He claims that most of us are full of shit and we don't realize it. I had to concur and bought a supply for myself and also sent packages to some of my friends. They have a "turbo" version for bull shitters and an extrovert version for YouTube addiction syndrome. I almost forgot the "dash" version for semi-colons."
Gorge your way to wellness!
Offers 3 full weeks of food delivered to your door:
112 perfectly-prepared meals (by the way, this is three times as much as I would normally eat when not dieting).
The people on TV have lost TONS!
So have I. Just look at me now!!!
And here's this week's Pongo!
Keep America medicated!
Our anonymous reader also has this to say about various medications advertised on TV:
Great ad for ActivOn - apply directly to the knee - an analgesic supposed to remove symptoms of arthritis.
I called their hotline with some questions and they proudly announced their next product HardOn - apply directly to the foreskin - supposed to remove unwanted stiffness...
And an electronic miniature device called TurnOn - but they wouldn’t divulge the details.
And let's not forget the children...
A frightening report in yesterday's news announced the nationwide presence of lots of dirty, germ-ridden ATM machines!
Germs are transferred on the keys. So wear rubber gloves when withdrawing cash. For if there is one thing that inspires more fear out here than Al Qaida, it’s germs. With sanitized wipes for every conceivable surface (walls, floors, kitchen appliances, toilet seats, body parts), and hygienic sprays and gels for everything else.
For if there is one thing that inspires more fear out here than Al Qaida, it’s germs. With sanitized wipes for every conceivable surface (walls, floors, kitchen appliances, toilet seats, body parts), and hygienic sprays and gels for everything else.
All other things are hermetically sealed: Welded together in heavy plastic, impossible to open without a blow torch or sharp implement. Or a sharper implement than the one inside, like the scissors I bought the other day, which I couldn’t open without a pair of scissors. In fact I nearly did myself some serious damage opening a big bag of blueberry bagels.
(I wonder if I should file a lawsuit claiming damages for severe mental distress....)
If it’s not hermetically sealed, it’s CHILDPROOF.
There’s nothing I like better than stumbling out of bed at 4.00 a.m. with a blinding headache, tottering into the bathroom and having to line up the little arrows on an Aspirin bottle, before I can get any of the wretched pills out.
I know this is something I keep whinging about, but as a tea-drinking Brit, milk is important.
I have spent the last 3 weeks fruitlessly scouring the supermarkets for milk with no additives or anything taken away. The broad selection of fat-free, fat-reduced, half-fat, skimmed, lactose-free, calcium and/or vitamin A + D enriched, or soya milk substitutes has forced me to seek another solution. Black coffee.
I have spent the last 3 weeks fruitlessly scouring the supermarkets for milk with no additives or anything taken away.
The broad selection of fat-free, fat-reduced, half-fat, skimmed, lactose-free, calcium and/or vitamin A + D enriched, or soya milk substitutes has forced me to seek another solution. Black coffee.
Now I’m having the same problem with butter...
I can't believe they're palming this off as butter.
A bill has just been introduced in the Mississippi state legislature, whereby it will soon be illegal for restaurants to serve obese customers (instead of hamburgers?).
As 2 out of 3 people in the US (I believe the proportion is even higher in Mississippi) suffer from obesity, this is something that affects almost everyone.
I've been taking CHUKITUP, and the results are startling!
And when I get peckish there's a little product called AVÄKAR,
with the motto: "Eat all you want and still lose weight."
Or another one that delivers 72 meals to your door. So you can stuff your way to slenderness.
If you CALL NOW they will even add an extra 52 meals...
at NO EXTRA CHARGE!!!
PONGO of the week
Last week’s Pongo was identified as a certain country-and-western singer who shall remain anonymous...
And the Poison Tomato was thought to bear a striking resemblance to a recent Republican candidate.
Maybe this one on the left reminds you somebody....
But as you can see, there's also lots of cool vegetation out here of the non-edible variety.
And some amazing rock formations.
We are gradually settling in. I have now got all the electronic gadgetry working, but am still having trouble with the Microwave.
Most instructions advise setting temperatures to either Low, Medium, or High.
But as you can see from the fuzzy foto on the left, my device offers different options, e.g. Popcorn, Pizza, or Beverage.
Maybe I need to update the software.
Which brings us to the topic of:
The quest for non-toxic food continues unabated.
I went to our local Farmers Market yesterday in search of fresh vegetables. There was lots of stuff I could not recognize, but quickly identified a particularly dangerous specimen: A giant Poison Tomato trying to hide amongst its smaller colleagues.
I immediately reported it to the authorities.
In our house, any UFO (Unidentifiable Fruitlike Object) is referred to as a Pongo.
I will be showing you many of these. But here is the pongo of the week.
Any resemblance to any individual alive or dead is purely unintentional…
...But for those who persevere, there are some fine delicacies to be found. You just have to know where to look.
Having come to grips with our HD-digital-Sat-galactic-TV-receiver, I am proud to report that I can now get 42,876 channels.
A paradise for zappers, as programs run for about 30 seconds before being interrupted for a 20-minute block of commercials:mainly for fast food or medication.
Prescription meds to ensure weight loss are a big deal and these ads are invariably preceded by food commercials with gruesome close-ups of something disgusting (i.e. burger, pizza, submarine sandwich, KFC) with 30 million calories and dripping with 4 different kinds of melted cheese.
They’ve all got three-syllable names, too, if you notice. Like Fabrodim, Demerol, Sudafed, Sanosex, Fosofax, Puradil, Densopod, Hurlapong, Eatitoff (the more you eat, the less you weigh!) and Chukitup (this one should be obvious).
Sleeping pills and stress relievers are also big business, which probably comes as no surprise.
So that's it from me for now. I'll be back next week with more of WHAT PISSES ME OFF!
And don't forget: When life gets tough - Fukitol!